Polyamory for Newbies: Read This Before You Multiply Your Love Life
Sustainable Relationships
My series about compulsory monogamy and the nuclear family has stirred some questions in a lot of people I know so I was inspired to give you all a little dose of tongue-in-cheek truth-telling today. I know I probably make polyamory look shiny and thrilling but before you dive headfirst into this relational roller coaster, let me clear the air with a little perspective for you
Coaching or Dating? Pick One, Not Both
First things first: I am available for coaching or dating, but not both in the same person. Why? Experience has taught me that a lot of newbies haven’t done the necessary reflection, research, or self-work to really confront their conditioning, understand what they want, and truly embrace liberation. I don’t mind working on projects, but I don’t like to date them.
Reflect Before You Connect
If you’re thinking about non-monogamy and/or polyamory, here are a few questions to ponder before you change your relationship status:
Why do you want to be polyamorous? Is it because you genuinely resonate with a philosophy or because you just binge-watched a reality show and thought, “Hey that looks fun”? Do you really feel you have the capacity to fall in love with multiple people or do you just want to have threesomes?
How do you handle jealousy? You can’t even share your dessert, how are you going to share time with your romantic partner?
What are your communication skills like? If you struggle to express your movie preferences, you might want to level up your communication game. Polyamory requires talking. A lot of talking.
Add Some Nuance to Your Language
Navigating polyamorous waters is tricky enough. Lots of polyamorous folks don’t even want to date you once they discover you’re a newbie. Don’t stumble over some of the classic newbie faux pas. If you hear yourself saying any of the following, you might want to hit the pause button and reassess:
“I want a poly” or any other iteration wherein poly is a noun. This often signals a lack of understanding that polyamory isn’t something you “get” like a new gadget; it’s a complex relationship dynamic that requires ongoing effort and emotional intelligence.
“I want a poly relationship.” While the intent might be there, this often hints at a superficial attraction to the idea of polyamory without a grasp of its depth and the level of communication it entails.
“We want to try to open up our relationship.” Whew…there’s a lot wrong with this one but the main problem is treating polyamory as a trial run which tends to overlook the fact that real emotional commitments and responsibilities are involved, not just experimental flings.
“I’m solo poly, I’m not really looking for anything serious.” This can be a red flag indicating a misunderstanding of solo polyamory, which isn’t about the seriousness of relationships but about maintaining independence in one’s dating life. It suggests a possible avoidance of deeper connection or commitment, which is no less crucial in unconventional relationships.
These statements are examples that can sometimes reveal a lack of preparedness for the emotional complexities of polyamory. They might indicate that someone views polyamory more as a personal experiment, which can lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
I could go on and on here but I’ll stop for now. If you have more to add, please share in the comments! I find that many polyamorous people are careful with their words because communication is so paramount in this world. If you’re trying to dive in, consider a deep reflection on what polyamory truly means to you, why you want it, and how it aligns with your overall relationship goals and values. Try to express your reflections clearly in the language you use. People think polyamory is about managing multiple partners, but it’s really about managing yourself.
Monogamous Conditioning
Let’s get serious for a moment. Monogamous conditioning is deeply ingrained in many of us, shaping our views on love, possession, and the supposed norms of relationships. But transitioning to polyamory isn’t just about dating multiple people — it’s about a profound unlearning of these conventional beliefs and an exploration into more expansive forms of love.
Unlearning is a Process
Unlearning monogamous habits involves peeling back layers of deeply rooted beliefs and behaviors. It requires time, patience, and intense introspective work. You might find yourself clinging to those norms more tightly than you thought.
Self-discovery: Polyamory challenges individuals to deeply understand their own desires, boundaries, and values. It prompts questions like, “What do I really need for emotional fulfillment? What are my true feelings about relationships, partnership, and expectations?
Questioning norms: “Why do we equate exclusivity with love?” “Is possessiveness a sign of affection?” This phase is about dismantling the equation that love equals possession.
Developing emotional intelligence: Learning to manage and articulate complex emotions is important. It’s about turning inward to understand your emotional triggers and outward to communicate these feelings clearly and constructively.
No Poly Hype Here
I don’t hype up polyamory; I don’t even recommend it, especially as a one-size-fits-all solution — it’s definitely not that. Polyamory is not a relationship miracle cure, it’s a choice — one that works wonderfully for some and is disastrous for others. It requires a significant shift in mindset and ongoing effort to maintain healthy relationships.
Some Realities of Polyamory
Embracing polyamory means embracing a certain level of uncertainty and lack of control, which can be both liberating and daunting.
Freedom beyond control: Can you handle your romantic love being free beyond your control? Polyamory often tests this by placing you in situations where your love might choose to spend time with someone else. Can you find security within yourself and your relationship agreements rather than exclusive claims over someone’s time and affection?
Unconditional love: Loving someone unconditionally in the context of polyamory means supporting their happiness, even when it involves other people. It’s a test of your capacity to love without conditions.
Continuous communication: Have I mentioned the talking? You will talk so much! Continuous, honest communication — negotiating your boundaries, discussing feelings, and making sure everyone feels valued and heard. If you are not ready to talk and listen A LOT, you are not ready for polyamory.
Before You Leap Into the “Poly Pool”
Consider the following, with a pinch of salt:
Educate yourself! Read everything you can about polyamory. Join some groups on Facebook and read the posts and all the comments. Read the good, the bad, and the downright awkward. This knowledge can help you avoid dating mishaps.
Know your boundaries. Understand your own limits and respect them. If certain things are no-go zones for you, that’s perfectly okay. This is about finding what works for you, not fitting into someone else’s idea of relationship peace.
Prepare for the emotional Olympics. Managing multiple relationships (and yourself) can feel like you’re in a decathlon without any training. Make sure you’re up for it because emotional endurance is key.
Remember that polyamory isn’t just about dating and sex with multiple people. It’s heart work and it’s not for everyone. If after all this, you still feel that polyamory might be your cup of relationship tea, then perhaps you’re ready to jump into the pool. Just remember you might need a few floaties in the deep end — care & consideration, communication, and a whole lot of compassion for yourself and for others.
Absolutely amazing (and humorous) assessment of what it takes to prepare for and engage in polyamorous relationships.
There is one thing I disagree with though and that's the idea that polyamory is a choice. For me it isn't a choice...I am polyamorous by nature. I know that for many it is a choice but my live experience has proven otherwise.
I truly appreciate reading this and had to share! i truly hope others considering this lovestyle will take a moment and read this and apply the advice!