In this post, I’m going to talk about the difference between escalation and exploration in relationships, with a focus on romantic relationships. I will admit that I am still in transition. I am still in the process of unlearning a lot of conditioning when it comes to getting off the relationship escalator and moving more toward exploration. To be clear, I don’t think there is anything wrong with desiring to get on the relationship escalator. People can want what they want! Personally, I want to move towards exploration and away from escalation.
What is escalation?
In the context of romantic relationships, escalation refers to the progression of a relationship from one level of intimacy to another, usually involving an increase in physical and/or emotional closeness.
Escalation is a more traditional model of relationship progression, where there is an expectation of moving from one level to the next, in a linear and hierarchical way. The goal is to move up and it’s the only way. Any desire to “move down” results in completely getting off the escalator and going your separate ways.
For many, escalation follows a path similar to the following: begin “talking” to each other which progresses into dating. After dating comes some kind of committed relationship (often accompanied by exclusivity) and then, at the top, two people possibly merge their lives together as in marriage or life partnership.
What’s wrong with escalation?
Many subscribe to this order and it makes a lot of sense when used prudently. For me, there are two big problems with the relationship escalator.
1. It has been so ingrained in us that many of us have expectations that certain steps need to be completed in order to “move forward” in a romantic relationship and for it to be valid or accepted. Many of us feel that if we are not on the escalator, there is less value in the relationship. I think this causes us to miss out on some amazing relationships!
2. If, for whatever reason, a relationship feels as if it is moving “down” on the escalator, many feel like the relationship is a failure. This type of movement on the escalator often leads to the cessation of the relationship entirely. This is unfortunate! Many relationships could still continue happily by leaning into areas of alignment, while minimizing and mitigating opportunities for misalignments to cause friction.
Again, I understand why people get on the escalator. Some relationships are so aligned, it feels like the escalator is the only logical path. But not all relationships belong on the escalator and using it as a benchmark for relationship success can lead to a fear of failure, especially when the only choices are “go up” or “get off.”
What is exploration?
Using another approach, exploration is a distinct process. Exploration is not seen as hierarchical or linear in the same way escalation is.
Exploration in the context of romantic relationships refers to the process of discovering and experiencing different aspects of the relationship and one’s own desires, boundaries, and expectations. This may involve exploring different forms of connections, such as intellectual, platonic, and sexual, in ways that are open-ended and non-prescriptive.
The emphasis is on experimentation and discovery, rather than on following a prescribed path of escalation. In exploration, there is focus on mutual consent, agreements, and communication between partners, rather than on conforming to external expectations. The goal is to co-create a relationship that works for both people in the relationship.
Moving toward exploration
Not everyone wants to take this path, but if you are someone who wants to move more toward relationship exploration, consider the following.
For me, relationships feel so much more secure when it feels safe to move in any direction and still be loved. When we aren’t confined to the traditional model of moving “up” the relationship escalator, where the only options seem to be progressing towards greater commitment and enmeshment or ending the relationship entirely, we can truly adapt to the natural ebb and flow of life and human connection. This flexibility allows us to lean into alignment and mitigate misalignments, fostering bonds rooted in unconditional love rather than predefined milestones. The security comes from knowing that change and evolution are embraced, and that our relationships can also change and evolve in ways that best suit our needs and desires, always with the reassurance that we are loved and valued no matter the direction we take.
When we are on the escalator and our romantic feelings deepen for each other, we tend to lean more into fear and attachment. We lock ourselves into a prescribed path, which often results in tolerating misalignment more than we should because we don’t want a relationship with someone we love to end. Spending time with someone and sharing intimacy with them is a choice that we should all be able to make freely without fear. I want to focus my relationships on alignment and connection.
Intimacy can take many forms. Be open to exploring different types of intimacy. Approach time with a new person as an experimental journey. Rather than viewing the relationship as a destination to be reached, approach it as a journey of exploration and evolution.
By focusing on exploration rather than escalation, you may be able to deepen your connections in a more meaningful and fulfilling way, while also allowing for more individual autonomy and freedom in your relationship.