A Beginner’s Guide to Relationship Agreements in Non-Monogamy

Sustainable Relationships

Relationship agreements are mutual understandings that partners establish to clarify how they will show up for each other. Relationship agreements are explicit, ensuring that everyone involved is on the same page. These agreements are not rigid rules but flexible guidelines that evolve alongside the relationship. Partners regularly revisit and renegotiate agreements.

Among non-monogamous people, the dynamics can be more complex due to the involvement of more people, so the role of agreements becomes even more important. By openly discussing and co-creating agreements, partners reduce the potential for misunderstandings and foster a deeper sense of trust and security. The core of any effective agreement is the acknowledgement that no agreement is set in stone – each one is “good enough for now, safe enough to try,” which means that it can be adjusted as the relationship grows and changes.

Explicit Agreements vs. Implicit Expectations

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is navigating the unspoken assumptions we carry about our loved ones. These assumptions are often based on personal desires, past experiences, or societal norms and they deeply influence our relationship expectations. When these uncommunicated expectations go unmet, they can lead to frustration, tension, and resentment. You might feel as though you are being let down, even when your partner or friend does not have a clear understanding of what you expected.

Explicit agreements say what was once unsaid. By co-creating agreements, people in relationships can move away from the ambiguity of implicit expectations and toward a space where communication and consent are prioritized. This kind of transparency helps reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings or feelings of betrayal, and it reinforces the trust needed to sustain relationships.

Agreements vs. Rules

One very important distinction to understand is the difference between agreements and rules. While rules are often rigid and inflexible, sometimes even carrying the weight of ultimatums or heavy consequences, agreements are meant to be collaborative and adaptable. When partners treat agreements like rules, the relationship dynamic can shift more toward control rather than mutual understanding.

Rules operate on a binary system: they are followed or broken, and if broken, there are often punitive consequences, including the potential termination of the relationship. This “violation equals consequence” mindset is antithetical to the concept of relationship agreements. An agreement is not an ultimatum. If a partner is unable to uphold a part of an agreement, it should open up a space for conversation, renegotiation, and reiteration.

Agreements are rooted in flexibility and the ongoing growth of the relationship. They are not about controlling someone’s behavior but about co-creating a framework that works for everyone involved. If circumstances change or one person realizes that an agreement is not viable, that should prompt a dialogue rather than an accusation of failure. The focus is always on maintaining connection and working together, rather than policing behavior or adhering to strict laws.

While it may be comforting to put strict rules in place to create predictability or try to avoid conflict, this control is just an illusion. Life and relationships are ever-changing, and no set of rules will prevent the natural shifts that occur over time. In fact, rigid rules can slow down your ability to adapt to change, keeping you trapped in a dynamic that may no longer serve you. Agreements, by contrast, embrace the inevitability of change and offer partners the flexibility to adjust and grow together. 

Common Issues with Relationship Agreements

Relationship agreements can create clarity and strengthen trust but they are not without challenges. 

Loophole-seeking & weaponizing agreements

Agreements that focus too much on control rather than shared values, can cause more harm than good. When agreements are shaped by a desire to limit a partner’s behavior or to get them to do something very specific, they resemble rules. This can lead to issues like loophole-seeking or weaponizing agreements against one another. People in relationships might start searching for ways to work around the agreement instead of honoring its spirit, which can erode trust over time. This can happen when there is an imbalance – one person desires more rules in the relationship than the other.

For example, one partner might agree not to spend the night at another partner’s home but instead may stay out late until just before dawn, technically adhering to the letter of the agreement, but not the spirit of it. This kind of loophole-seeking usually stems from a feeling of being constrained by overly controlling agreements.

It’s also possible that one partner will use the agreement against the other in a conflict, weaponizing it by pointing out “violations” as a way to win debates or assert control. This is harmful because it shifts the focus from mutual respect and understanding to power struggles.

Agreement without real-world experience

Another challenge arises when people agree to something they don’t fully understand, often because they haven’t yet faced the situation in real life. For instance, partners may agree that they will inform each other before anything significant happens in another relationship. On the surface, this seems simple and clear, but once they are in the moment, things can become more complicated. Timing, the unpredictability of emotions, and the desire for spontaneity can make it difficult to follow though on this agreement. One may not have fully grasped how complex and challenging it could be to stop and communicate in the heat of the moment. Agreements made without real-world experience can quickly feel unrealistic or difficult to maintain.

Agreement to placate

People might also agree to something in an effort to placate their loved one or avoid conflict, saying “yes” without truly feeling aligned with the agreement. This creates a false sense of security, leading to frustration and disappointment when the agreement cannot be upheld. For example, a partner might agree to restrict certain types of intimacy with others, even if they aren’t fully on board. Eventually, the tension between the agreement and their true desires will surface, potentially harming both partners.

Struggling to honor an agreement

When someone consistently struggles to honor an agreement, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy or judgment, either from themselves or from their partner (or both). It’s important to understand that struggling to uphold an agreement is not a sign of failure or a character flaw – it is an indication that the agreement needs to be revisited or that circumstances have changed. If one person consistently finds it difficult to honor their part of the agreement, it may suggest that the agreement was unrealistic or not truly co-created. Open, non-judgmental authentic dialogue is key in these moments to understand the root of the struggle and to renegotiate in a way that supports those involved.

Benefits of Relationship Agreements

Relationship agreements offer numerous benefits that can enhance connection and stability, especially in non-monogamous contexts. When co-created thoughtfully, they provide a framework for security, trust, and understanding, allowing partners to navigate their relationships with greater clarity and mutual respect. By being explicit about expectations, agreements can help reduce misunderstandings and provide a sense of emotional safety, making it easier for partners to trust one another and feel secure.

Flexibility

One of the most valuable aspects of relationship agreements is their inherent flexibility. Unlike rules, agreements are designed to be “good enough for now, safe enough to try,” meaning they are adaptable as relationships evolve. This flexibility allows partners to revisit and renegotiate agreements as needed. Rather than seeing agreements as fixed or permanent, partners can approach them with a sense of openness and curiosity, knowing they can adjust when necessary to better suit their changing needs.

Non-judgmental communication

Non-judgmental communication is another key benefit of relationship agreements. When an agreement isn’t upheld – whether due to unforeseen circumstances or a change in personal boundaries – it’s important to approach the situation with understanding and compassion, rather than blame or judgment. Instead of treating it like a violation or failure, it can become an opportunity for deeper dialogue and connection. By fostering an environment of non-judgmental communication, partners can navigate the complexities of their relationship with grace, care, and consideration, using agreements as tools for growth rather than as a means of control.

What About Personal Boundaries?

Boundaries are personal limits that each person must define for themselves. A boundary is a line that protects your emotional, physical, and mental well-being. Boundaries are not imposed by one partner on another; they are self-determined and reflect your core values and personal needs.

When co-creating relationship agreements, it’s important to make sure they respect personal boundaries rather than attempting to “enforce” boundaries through controlling behavior. Setting a rule to prevent certain types of behavior may feel like protecting a boundary, but in reality, only you can protect your boundaries by clearly communicating them and taking action for yourself when they are crossed. Boundaries are upheld by your choices, not by trying to control someone else’s behavior. Healthy boundaries are clear, direct, and non-negotiable — they are not about controlling anyone else, but about knowing what you need to feel safe and respected.

While flexibility is key in co-creating agreements, it’s equally important to recognize when your boundaries are being crossed. If an agreement repeatedly leads to feelings of disrespect, discomfort, or harm, it’s important to reassess whether the agreement is serving your well-being. Flexibility should not come at the expense of compromising your boundaries or accepting behavior that is harmful.

This is where the balance comes in: it’s important to approach broken agreements with empathy and open communication, but you must also honor your own needs and boundaries. If a partner consistently fails to honor agreements that protect your well-being, it may be a sign of serious relationship misalignment. No amount of negotiation or flexibility should lead to the acceptance of harmful behavior.

Agreements can be renegotiated, but boundaries cannot be. You should never feel pressured to compromise a boundary just to maintain harmony in a relationship. Your boundaries are to protect your emotional and physical health, and they should be respected. If they aren’t, it’s up to you to take the necessary action to protect your well-being.

Tips for Co-Creating Effective Relationship Agreements

1. Focus on shared values and mutual goals, not control and rules.

   The foundation of any effective agreement is a focus on shared values and mutual goals. It’s important to approach the process of creating agreements with self-awareness, recognizing when you might be imposing control or rules on your partner rather than fostering mutual understanding. Ask yourself: is this agreement rooted in what we both want for our relationship, or is it about me trying to feel safe by controlling certain aspects of their behavior? Agreements that prioritize collaboration, rather than control, promote growth and trust.

2. Create adaptable agreements that avoid judgment and guilt.

   Agreements should be adaptable and crafted in a way that doesn’t lead to feelings of judgment, guilt, or punishment if they aren’t upheld. Instead of viewing an unmet agreement as a breach or failure, use it as an opportunity to reflect on whether the agreement is still realistic or appropriate. It’s important to avoid retribution or punitive responses when an agreement is not met – flexibility and empathy are key to maintaining the trust and emotional safety within the relationship.

3. Regularly revisit and renegotiate.

   Relationships are fluid so agreements should be too. Schedule regular times to discuss how well the agreements are working to reassess them as circumstances change. Renegotiating agreements on a regular basis allows for adaptability and keeps the relationship dynamic healthy and responsive to new challenges or developments. This prevents agreements from becoming outdated or rigid, ensuring they continue to serve the needs of everyone involved.

4. Be honest!

   Open, honest, and compassionate communication is the backbone of any successful agreement. If one person is unable to honor an agreement, it’s important to communicate this in a way that fosters understanding and empathy. By discussing what happened and why, without omitting or making excuses, you create space for authentic dialogue and deeper connection. Empathy is so essential during these dialogues – try to understand each other’s perspectives and offer support as you both work toward a solution that feels good for both of you.

5. Remember that change is inevitable – especially in relationships!

   Agreements that work today may not work tomorrow, and that’s okay. Relationships are living, evolving things, and our ability to adapt is what keeps them strong and resilient. Have you noticed this is a recurring theme in my writing? By embracing change and approaching agreements with flexibility, empathy, and a focus on shared values, you can create a foundation that supports growth rather than restricts it. The key is to see agreements not as rigid structures, but as evolving guidelines that adjust to the shifts and dynamics of life and love.

The truth is that the differences between boundaries, rules, and agreements are not always as clear-cut as they might seem. These concepts, like everything else, can exist on a spectrum, and it can sometimes be difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. For example, if someone says, “If you do that, I will end our relationship,” it might be phrased as a boundary, but its purpose could be to manipulate, control, or pressure a partner into a particular action. Similarly, some rules may be phrased in ways that resemble agreements, which can create confusion about their true intent.

I’ve given you examples of when agreements can start to resemble rules. If you notice signs like loophole-seeking, weaponizing agreements, or consistently struggling to honor them, these are indicators that what you’re dealing with might be closer to a rule than an agreement. Remember, agreements are meant to focus on shared goals values and mutual goals, not on controlling a partner’s behavior. If you find yourself constantly wanting to change a partner’s behavior through agreements, it’s probably time to reassess that relationship.