Beyond the Nuclear Family: Unraveling Norms & Embracing the Spectrum of Relationships (Part 7)

This is the final post in a series of 7. This post talks about my personal journey.

This is the last part of my blog series! If you’ve been with me since the beginning, thank you! I appreciate you reading and appreciating my thoughts.

My Rebellion Against Dominant Systems

Since the dissolution of my decade-long monogamous marriage in 2020, I’ve been unlearning a lot. This process has been one of dismantling the conditioning I unknowingly absorbed, conditioning that never truly resonated with me, my deeper desires, or my values. The pressure to conform to societal expectations is immense, and, like many, I succumbed to it, despite the dissonance and doubts I always felt. 

My experience, which is not uncommon, is a testament to the incredibly pervasive nature of compulsory monogamy – a force so ubiquitous that alternatives seem not to exist or appear as mere fantasies. The realization that monogamy and the nuclear family were not congruent with my aspirations came with its challenges, chief among them the recognition that I had not possessed the fortitude to resist conforming pressures. This acknowledgement is not a reflection of weakness but a commentary on the powerful sway of societal norms and the difficulty of forging one’s path in the face of such overwhelming expectations.

For me, the journey into non-monogamy started with connection and community. Learning the term “polycule” was a pivotal moment, illuminating the existence of relationship structures that prioritize connectedness and support over exclusivity and isolation. I learned about it in a divorce support group on Facebook and it’s one of the reasons I will forever be grateful for social media. This concept was a revelation, offering a glimpse into a world where relationships could be fluid, dynamic, and tailored to the needs and desires of those involved. 

While non-monogamy does encompass sexual freedom and exploration, to view it solely through this lens is reductive. My being non-monogamous is rooted in the desire for a broader, more inclusive sense of community – a network of relationships that support and enrich each other beyond the confines of romantic and sexual exclusivity. Personal autonomy and liberation are also at the top of my list of reasons. My journey toward non-monogamy and relationship anarchy is as much about unlearning societal conditioning as it is about rediscovering and affirming my values and desires. 

Non-monogamy and relationship anarchy are not merely personal choices or relationship orientations for me. They represent forms of rebellion against capitalism, patriarchy, colonization, and the unsustainable ideals of traditional relationships. By challenging the norms that these systems uphold, I am actively participating in a broader critique and transformation of society. 

Capitalism thrives on the idea of ownership and accumulation of resources within nuclear family units, reinforcing economic social hierarchies. The way I aim to live disrupts this model by emphasizing shared resources, collective care, and the rejection of ownership over other people’s bodies and affections. This approach fosters a more communal and equitable distribution of emotional and material support, challenging the capitalist framework that prioritizes individual accumulation and consumption.

Patriarchy imposes rigid gender roles and hierarchies, often enforced through traditional marriage and family structures. For me, non-monogamy and relationship anarchy subvert these roles by promoting equity, autonomy, and consensual power dynamics within relationships. By valuing all relationship structures equally and rejecting the notion that any one person should wield control over my choices or sexuality, I undermine the patriarchal expectation of women’s subservience and men’s dominance. 

The imposition of European marital norms and family structures was a tool of colonization, used to erase diverse relationship practices and impose a monolithic cultural standard. By embracing non-monogamy and relationship anarchy, I can resist these colonial legacies and reclaim the rich, communal relationship practices that colonization sought to suppress. This resistance is an act of cultural survival and affirmation, celebrating the plurality of ways people have loved and supported each other across cultures and histories.

By diversifying sources of support and connection, these approaches promote a more resilient, adaptable network of relationships. This diversification allows for needs to be met more fully and sustainably, reducing the pressure on any single connection to fit a specific role or structure.

For me, non-monogamy and relationship anarchy are radical acts of rebellion. By embracing these forms of relationships, I question and seek to redefine the very fabric of society. This redefinition aims to create a world where relationships are built on principles of equity, consent, and mutual love and respect, offering a powerful alternative to the dominant narratives of possession, exclusivity, and hierarchical power dynamics. In doing so, non-monogamy and relationship anarchy not only offer pathways to more fulfilling personal relationships for me, but also contribute to the broader project of social and cultural liberation.

My personal exploration into non-monogamy and relationship anarchy has been a journey of liberation from the dissonance imposed by compulsory monogamy and an affirmation of my longing for community and connection. Recognizing that monogamy and the nuclear family are genuine desires for some, it’s crucial to advocate for a society that acknowledges and supports the full spectrum of relationship structures. By sharing my story, I hope to shed light on the possibilities that lie beyond traditional paradigms, advocating for a world where everyone has the freedom to choose the relationships and relationship structures that best suit their needs, without judgment or coercion. The path toward diverse and fulfilling relationships is paved with the courage to question, the strength to unlearn, and the openness to reimagine what connection can mean. 

Thank you so much for joining me on this series. It really meant a lot to me to get these words out and into the world. I hope you found something valuable.