Crush Competition in Children
My first post about sustainable relationships with children went into quite a bit of detail about how long human childhood is and the possible reasons for why it’s so much longer in our species. In this post, I’m going to expand on two concepts and discuss them to help us build sustainable relationships with and among our children — values and competition.
I introduced the Theory of Basic Human Values in my posts about value alignment in romantic relationships. (That was a two-parter. Check out Part 1 and Part 2 if you’re interested.) In this article, I’m going to begin to explain my thoughts about how this theory informs our relationships with children.
Conflicting Values in Children
According to the Theory of Basic Human Values, values exist in all human cultures. When we interact with and have experiences with our children, we are not necessarily “instilling” values in them, but rather, we are influencing the way our children prioritize types of values. This is, indeed, a huge part of childhood development. It will have profound effects on how children see themselves and others as they develop. Cultivating sustainable relationships with children is the most important thing we do. One of the biggest jobs child-rearers take on is influencing which values our children prioritize.
Benevolence is a value that is frequently reinforced in childhood. Adults ask (or tell) children to “be nice” all the time: to share, be considerate, say nice things or say nothing at all, talk quietly, and consider other people’s feelings. Most parents say that if they must make a choice, they would prefer their children to be kind rather than intelligent. Positive and cooperative interactions are central to harmony within a group. Across cultures, benevolence is consistently ranked highest among the ten types of values.
Universalism is also reinforced in children very early, particularly in educational settings. Universalism is consistently ranked second among the ten types of values. Universalism values also contribute to positive and cooperative interactions, but in a wider context. Whereas benevolence focuses more on kindness to those with whom we relate often, such as family, universalism is more about kindness toward people with whom we may not readily identify. Universalism applies more in school and work settings.
At the same time, achievement values are also reinforced heavily. Children are expected to excel in school, which means they must do better than their peers. For some children to be on top, there must be children at the bottom. Notice that benevolence and achievement are directly opposing values in the circular diagram of values. Benevolence promotes harmony while achievement undermines it.
Some children are encouraged to dominate the competition when it comes to sports and other competitive activities. Many parents revere these types of wins, not only for their children’s sake, but also because they feel great pride in themselves — how exceptional their children are is a reflection of them. This aligns with power values. Power values do help groups work toward their interests, but they also endorse hierarchical social structures.
Of course, people can (and do) pursue competing values, but they cannot do so within a single act.
Examining the quote above, people can pursue benevolence and universalism along with achievement and power, but they cannot do so at the same time. So when a child is playing a sport, for example, they are trying to beat the other team. Rooting for one team to win is rooting for the other team to lose — hoping for other people to be let down. The child who wins the spelling bee is elated, but the child who lost is disappointed. In competition, benevolence and universalism are generally expected to take a backseat to achievement and power.
How are children to reconcile these conflicting values? Each child will make meaning in their own way based on their own experiences. The process of prioritizing values will inevitably cause some dissonance but these values lie directly across from each other on the circular diagram. See the shaded diagram below and keep in mind that when values are directly across from each other, they oppose each other due to their distinct motivations.
Benevolence and universalism encompass the Self-Transcendence category of values — these values focus on consideration of others and mutualism. Achievement and power comprise the Self-Enhancement category of values, which focus on social superiority and competition.
Children receive conflicting messages when these two categories of values are encouraged simultaneously like they are in most traditional schools and households. In order to build sustainable relationships, we must prioritize the values that support sustainability.
Values serve as standards. Although it’s rarely conscious, people decide what is good and what is bad, justified or not, worth doing or avoiding based on their cherished values.
This quote is supporting the idea that if children constantly see certain values reinforced and rewarded, they will internalize them.
Choosing Self-Transcendence over Self-Enhancement
To dig a little deeper, let’s examine values using a matrix.
Benevolence and universalism are considered “anxiety-free values” while achievement and power are both considered “anxiety-based values.” This makes sense because Self-Transcendence values focus on gain for oneself and all of humanity whereas Self-Enhancement values center more on holding on to what one has and protecting oneself against a threat. Achievement and power are both rooted in the idea that there are not enough resources for everyone and we need to protect ourselves.
A study has actually been conducted about these values and it concluded that prioritizing Self-Transcendence values and Openness to Change values are associated with unconditional self-acceptance. The study found that prioritization of Openness to Change values was predictive of unconditional self-acceptance. I will discuss this category of values as it relates to rearing children in a future post.
Remember in my Types of Relationships post, I explained how micro relationships are the building blocks of macro relationships. One relationship I have not yet touched on is the relationship someone builds with oneself. This is the most fundamental micro relationship of them all. Helping children prioritize benevolence and universalism over achievement and power plants the seeds of self-expansion and growth over self-protection against threat. If we all do this, imagine the anxiety-free adults we could be raising.
Crushing Competition in Children
I am, in fact, asserting that competition is detrimental to children’s development. It harms their ability to build sustainable relationships with others and with themselves.
Does this mean we should eliminate competition completely from our lives? To be honest, I wish we could, but sports and other competitive activities are part of our human culture now. So if your children wish to participate in competitive activities, encourage them to participate in ways that support sustainability. If we’re going to continue to compete, let’s use it to teach about empathy and compassion, not about crushing others’ spirits.
After a soccer game, instead of focusing on the score or your child’s individual performance, ask your child if they and their team had fun. Ask them to tell you about the camaraderie they felt, the energy of the crowd, or how it felt to slide on the grass during one of the plays. If they won the game, ask them to reflect a bit about how the players on the other team must feel. If they lost the game, help them redefine the idea of “failure.” Focus on the experience, not the outcome.
If your child attends traditional school, ask them to reflect on what they have learned instead of the grades they have received. Always remember that for one child to “achieve,” they must outdo another child. This reinforces the idea of “haves” and “have-nots” very early in life. These relationships are not sustainable because they do not feel good to all parties involved. The need to always be a “have” fosters a general distrust of humanity. When children believe in “failure” in these ways, it begins a cycle of self-oppression.
Reinforcing competition in our children and the very concept of “haves” and “have-nots” are both rooted in systems that perpetuate oppression and undermine sustainability. Instead of saying, “Well, that’s the system. I’d rather my children be haves than have-nots,” I’m hoping to inspire you to disrupt the system. Reject the ideas of scarcity and control because they are antithetical to the formation of sustainable relationships. If we can crush the idea of competition in children, we can begin to crush the idea of competition in adulthood and professional settings as well, which would be a huge step toward moving away from capitalism.
Imagine a world where people are doing productive work, not because they prioritize achievement and power values or because they want to get ahead of others, but because they are fulfilling their purpose within collective humanity. Imagine all of us moving away from oppressive power struggles toward global sustainability. I dream about that world everyday and it’s the reason I write this blog.
Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments. I’d love to hear your insights and discuss with you.