Dependency: Eroding Self-Sufficiency

Tools of Oppression in Relationships

This article is part of my Tools of Oppression in Relationships series. Click here to start from the beginning.

Dependency is not merely an unfortunate byproduct of oppressive systems. It is a deliberate tool designed to maintain control by making marginalized people reliant on systems that were never intended to serve them. After standardization and erasure strip away cultural knowledge, localized community self-sufficiency, and identity, dependency fills the void, ensuring that the oppressed look to the very systems of their oppression for survival, guidance, and validation.

This is particularly insidious because it disguises control as a necessity, creating an illusion that living under these systems is the only viable option. Over time, this fosters a deep, and often unconscious, belief that the systems are essential, even benevolent. As a result, dependency fractures critical thinking, self-sufficiency, and authenticity, leaving individuals unwilling or unable to imagine alternatives.

The Relationship Between Erasure, Standardization, and Dependency

1. Erasure is the first step. Colonization begins with erasure. Indigenous practices, communal structures, and self-sufficient ways of life are labeled as “savage” or “backward” and systematically destroyed. This process severs the connection to historical knowledge and local autonomy, creating a void where dependency can take hold.

   1. Communal land stewardship, a sustainable model practiced by many indigenous cultures, was erased and replaced by privatized land ownership, forcing people to depend on explotative landlords and capitalist markets for survival.

2. Standardization is the replacement. Once erasure is complete, standardized systems are imposed. These systems are presented as universal truths – whether through religion, education, or legal frameworks – despite their lack of alignment with the lived experiences and needs of the marginalized. Standardization creates a false narrative that there is only one “correct” way to live, further erasing cultural diversity.

   1. The nuclear family model replaced communal caregiving structures, isolating individuals from their extended networks and increasing their dependency on external systems like state welfare, public education, or patriarchal relationships.

3. Dependency is the outcome. With erased histories and standardized norms, dependency becomes inevitable. Marginalized people are forced to rely on systems that were never designed to serve them. This is particularly devastating because the systems they depend on actively perpetuate harm to them.

Dependency often disguises itself as progress or necessity, leading people to internalize the systems that oppress them. When communities are forced to rely on systems born of erasure and standardization, they:

• Believe the status quo is necessary

Without knowledge of alternatives, people see oppressive systems as the only viable path to survival or success. For example, many believe that capitalism is the ultimate economic system, despite its clear exploitative nature.

• Adopt respectability politics

To navigate these systems, people are pressured to conform to their standards by policing their own communities, prioritizing eurocentric beauty standards, or adhering to rigid gender roles.

• Suppress dissent

Dependency conditions people to fear alternatives, even when those alternatives might better serve their needs. Challenging the system feels too risky, leaving individuals and communities trapped.

How Dependency Fractures Resistance

When dependency is internalized, it becomes self-perpetuating, dismantling the very tools people need to resist or dismantle the systems of oppression. This manifests in several key ways.

By presenting itself as the sole source of truth, the system discourages critical thinking and alternative perspectives. Standardized education teaches people what to think ensuring conformity and discouraging dissent.

Marginalized people are conditioned to navigate oppressive systems by conforming to their standards such as adhering to eurocentric beauty standards to gain social acceptance, embracing “professionalism” rooted in colonial norms to access opportunities, and policing their own communities to align with the dominant culture’s expectations. Respectability politics reinforces the belief that success or survival is tied to appeasing the system rather than challenging it.

As dependency strips people of agency, they internalize the belief that resistance is futile. Over generations, this fosters a sense of hopelessness and inaction, as individuals come to view the oppressive system as immutable.

Dependency fractures authenticity by forcing people to suppress parts of themselves to conform to the system’s expectations. Expressing one’s true self can become risky, as it challenges the systems people rely on for survival.

Even when alternatives are visible, dependency creates a fear of stepping away. The idea of life outside the system feels uncertain and dangerous, even if the system itself is harmful. A sense of inadequacy is fostered because people are conditioned to see themselves as incapable without the system’s support. People begin to believe that other ways of being, thinking, or living are inferior. They may reject their cultural roots or view their communities as inherently flawed.

Dependency as a tool of oppression relies on its ability to obscure alternatives. When erasure is total, alternative pathways are not only invisible, they are unimaginable. Dependency conditions people to:

• See the system as benevolent

The narrative of dependency positions oppressive systems as protectors or providers, masking their harm.

• Fear alternatives

Even when alternatives exist, they are framed as dangerous, risky, unacceptable, or unattainable.

• Compete for survival

Dependency pits marginalized people against each other for scarce resources, further dividing communities and preventing solidarity.

Dependency in Personal Relationships

Dependency in personal relationships reflects and perpetuates the broader systems that erode self-sufficiency. Dependency teaches people to look outside of themselves for validation, fulfillment, and security, undermining their ability to develop resilience and autonomy. This is not natural; it is a construct deeply embedded in the narratives we consume, particularly around romantic love.

The Chains of Romantic Tropes

Popular depictions of romantic relationships reinforce the idea that love is synonymous with dependency. From fairy tales to modern media, romantic love is often portrayed as a cure-all – a force that will complete us, save us, or give our lives meaning. These narratives create a set of harmful expectations.

You Are Not Enough

The pervasive notion that an individual is incomplete without a partner encourages people to see themselves as inherently lacking.

Love as Salvation

The “savior” trope places undue pressure on partners to fix each other’s problems or provide emotional healing, fostering imbalanced dynamics where one person feels responsible for the other’s well-being.

Happily Ever After

The belief that a romantic partner will fulfill every emotional, physical, and social need is not only unrealistic but also limits opportunities for self-reliance and growth.

These tropes encourage people to seek external solutions for internal challenges, chaining them to a cycle of dependence on their relationships for validation and security.

Dependency in relationships often masquerades as stability, but it is inherently fragile. When people rely too heavily on others to meet their needs, any disruption such as conflict, separation, or change, can feel catastrophic. This leads to

• Fear-based connections: Relationships maintained out of fear of loneliness or inadequacy, rather than mutual support and respect.

• Cycles of control: Dependency can foster controlling behaviors, as partners attempt to secure their place in each other’s lives.

• Avoidance of self-reliance: The belief that one cannot survive without a romantic relationship perpetuates the idea that self-sufficiency is unattainable or undesirable.

Dependency on Harmful Relationship Structures

Forced dependency on standardized relationship models – rooted in religion, colonization, and systemic control – has led many to embrace frameworks that harm them and their families, often at the expense of their well-being and authenticity.

Colonial powers imposed religion as a tool to control and “civilize” peoples, presenting it as the only path to morality and social order. This indoctrination included rigid views on family structures, gender roles, and sexuality, instilling dependency on specific relationship models. Even as more and more people walk away from religion, the underlying tenets still persist in many ways. As a result:

• Alternative relationship structures were erased. Indigenous and non-European practices like communal caregiving, extended family systems, and polyamorous relationships were labeled as immoral or uncivilized, erasing viable and functional alternatives to compulsory monogamy and patriarchy demanded by Abrahamic religions.

• The nuclear family became the ideal. Dependency on religion reinforced the nuclear family as the standard, presenting it as not only morally superior but also as the only valid structure. This ignored the realities and needs of many marginalized communities, where extended family and chosen family often provide essential support.

• Shame and fear. Religious doctrine taught people to view deviations as sinful, leading to shame around divorce, single parenthood, and non-monogamy. This shame further entrenched dependence on the structures causing harm.

The concept of the nuclear family was ingrained in marginalized communities through colonization and industrialization. However, this structure was never designed to serve them.

The nuclear family leaves marginalized populations more vulnerable to economic instability, particularly in communities where systemic inequities are prevalent. Dismantling communal caregiving systems, which had historically allowed marginalized people to share resources, responsibilities, and emotional support isolates and stresses those who are already at a disadvantage. Dependency on this model has created a cycle where people remain trapped in harmful dynamics because they have been taught that there are no alternatives, or that the alternatives are morally wrong. Dependency on standardized relationship models often exacerbates existing systemic inequalities.

Single parenthood is vilified as a moral failing. This forces individuals into relationships that may not serve their well-being, simply to conform to societal expectations. Many people rely on chosen families – networks of friends and loved ones who provide support outside of biologial ties. However, dependency on standardized models stigmatizes these relationships, framing them as lesser, inadequate, or even harmful.

Breaking the Chains of Dependency

Dependency thrives on hopelessness, creating a cycle where individuals and communities feel powerless to challenge the systems they rely on. When people are conditioned to depend on systems that harm them, they internalize a sense of inadequacy and inevitability. This hopelessness is perpetuated and internalized.

By removing access to knowledge, resources, and alternatives, systems of oppression make self-sufficiency feel impossible. Dependency replaces the belief in one’s ability to create change with the belief that survival is only possible within the confines of the system.

Dependency ensures that marginalized groups remain in subordinate positions, where challenging the status quo feels not only futile, but dangerous.

The fear of losing stability – a job, home, community – keeps people compliant. Even when the system is harmful, stepping away is risky, leading to inaction and resignation.

To dismantle dependency:

1. Reclaim erased knowledge

   Revive communal practices, diverse family structures, cultural traditions and systems of self-sufficiency that have been erased by colonization, allowing individuals and communities to see beyond the dominant systems.

2. Build community interdependence

   Shift from unhealthy relationships, both personal and societal, to interdependence, where support is mutual and empowering rather than hierarchical.

3. Challenge standardization

   Encourage people to think critically and reject standardization and embrace authenticity, even when it challenges societal norms. Normalize alternatives, making space for diverse ways of living and connecting. Encourage individuals and communities to reject conformity and embrace their unique identities, even when it challenges societal norms.

4. Reframe love as collaboration

   Healthy relationships are built on interdependence, where both partners retain their autonomy while supporting each other’s growth

5. Prioritize self-reflection

   Developing self-awareness and emotional resilience reduces the need to seek constant validation from external sources

6. Reject romantic myths

   Letting go of tropes like “one true love” or “happily ever after” creates space for relationships that are realistic, dynamic, and rooted in authenticity

7. Embrace community

   Broadening the definition of support to include friends, chosen family, and community networks reduces the pressure placed on romantic relationships to fulfill every need.

Dependency is not just based on a lack of resources – it is a lack of freedom, imagination, and self-belief. By understanding its roots and effects, we can begin to unlearn the systems that perpetuate it and create relationships – both macro and micro – that prioritize equity, authonomy, and authenticity. Dependency in personal relationships is not inevitable – it is learned and reinforced through systems designed to erode self-sufficiency. By rejecting these narratives and cultivating autonomy, people can create connections that are empowering, authentic, and liberating.

Click here to read the next article in the series - Internalized Oppression: The Oppressor Within