Recognizing Misalignments in Relationships

Sustainable Relationships

Apr 24, 2024

In this post, I’m going to introduce the concept of misalignments in relationships and their symptoms, as well as signs of alignment. The aim is to enhance both awareness and navigational strategies within relationships.

Understanding Misalignments in Relationships

Communication Styles

Have you ever had a time when you were trying to communicate with someone and it felt like you were speaking different languages, even though you were both using the same words? Differences in communication styles are one of the most common sources of misalignment in relationships, and they can greatly impact how effectively you connect and understand each other. I talk about different communication styles in detail here. For the purposes of this post, we will focus on a few concrete examples.

Direct vs. Indirect: Some people prefer straightforward, direct communication, addressing issues and expressing their thoughts openly and clearly. On the other hand, others might lean towards a more indirect approach, using hints or suggestive comments or actions to convey their messages, hoping the other person will infer the meaning.
- A person who prefers direct communication may perceive someone who communicates indirectly as evasive or manipulative, while the indirect communicator might view direct communication as aggressive or insensitive.
Emotive vs. Reserved: Emotional expressiveness also varies widely among individuals. Some people are emotive communicators who use a lot of expressive language, gestures, and vocal variations to express their feelings vividly. In contrast, reserved communicators tend to keep their emotions more contained and communicate in a calm, measured way, often focusing more on the content than the emotional undertones.
- An emotive communicator might feel that a reserved communicator is unenthusiastic or disinterested, whereas the reserved communicator might find overly expressive communication overwhelming or dramatic.
Verbal vs. Non-Verbal: Communication isn’t always about the words we use; non-verbal cues play a critical role. Some people rely heavily on verbal skills to communicate, preferring clear, spoken or written language. Others might communicate more through non-verbal signals, such as facial expressions, body language, or even the physical distance they maintain in interactions.
- Those who rely on verbal communication might miss important cues from someone who communicates more through non-verbal channels, potentially leading to misinterpretations of the other’s intentions or feelings.

Cognitive Divergence

The way individuals "do math" in their minds about experiences — that is, how they process information, draw conclusions, and make decisions — is a fundamental aspect of human cognition that varies widely between people. This cognitive diversity can be influenced by a multitude of factors including educational background, cultural upbringing, past experiences and traumas, and inherent personality traits. Such diversity, while enriching, can also be a source of significant misunderstandings in relationships.

Understanding Cognitive Processing:

Information Processing: Some people process information linearly, preferring a step-by-step method to problem-solving and decision-making. Others might think in a more holistic or abstract manner, making connections between seemingly unrelated ideas. For example, in a discussion about finances, a linear thinker might focus on specific numbers and budgets, whereas a holistic thinker might consider broader economic conditions or future earning potential.
Decision-Making: Decision-making styles can also differ significantly. Some individuals are decisive, making quick decisions based on available information. Others may be more deliberative, needing to gather extensive information and weigh all possible outcomes before coming to a conclusion. When one partner makes a quick decision that impacts both, it can lead to friction if the other feels rushed or not fully consulted.
Emotional vs. Logical Reasoning: The balance between emotion and logic in reasoning can also lead to differing viewpoints. Some people prioritize emotional responses and personal values in their reasoning, while others rely more on logical analysis and empirical evidence. These differences can become apparent in situations that involve ethical dilemmas or personal versus professional decisions.

These cognitive differences can manifest in everyday interactions and major life decisions, potentially leading to conflict:

Misinterpretations: A statement intended as a straightforward observation by a logical thinker might be interpreted as cold or insensitive by someone who processes information more emotionally.
Frustration Over Decision-Making: A partner who makes quick decisions may frustrate a partner who needs more time, potentially leading to feelings of being overlooked or pressured.
Disagreements on Problem Solving: Conflicts can arise over how to approach problem-solving, whether it’s deciding on household chores or planning for future investments, if one prefers detailed plans and the other favors a more flexible, spontaneous approach.

Frequent Misunderstandings and Communication Breakdown: Constant confusion or misunderstandings about each other’s words or actions.
Frustration, Resentment, and Withdrawal: Feelings of frustration or resentment can build up when partners feel misunderstood or when communication fails to resolve differences. Partners may become frustrated by their inability to connect or be understood, leading one or both to withdraw from engaging in communication.
Emotional Distance: An increasing sense of distance or detachment can develop if misalignments are not addressed, potentially leading partners to feel disconnected or isolated.
Conflict Escalation: Minor disagreements may escalate into significant conflicts due to the inability to effectively communicate and resolve issues.

Signs of Alignment

Conversely, alignment in relationships can show up as:

Ease of Communication: Conversations flow smoothly with mutual understanding, even when discussing complex or difficult topics.
Effective Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are resolved constructively, with both partners feeling heard and respected.
Emotional Intimacy: There is a deep sense of connection and emotional intimacy, supported by open and honest communication, even in times of conflict and tension.
Shared Understanding: Partners have a shared understanding of each other’s communication styles and cognitive perspectives, allowing for anticipatory and supportive interactions.

Strategies to Address Misalignments

1. Open Dialogue About Communication Styles:

Encouraging an open discussion about each partner’s preferred style of communication can create awareness and foster understanding. This might involve explicitly discussing how each person likes to receive information, express emotions, and resolve conflicts.

2. Adaptation and Compromise:

Both partners may need to adapt their communication styles to better suit each other’s needs. This could involve a direct communicator learning to soften their approach or an indirect communicator making an effort to be more explicit.

3. Developing a Personal Lexicon:

Creating a 'relationship lexicon'—a set of agreed-upon terms, signals, or phrases that both partners understand—can help bridge cognitive and communicative differences.

4. Regular Check-ins:

Scheduling regular check-ins to discuss the relationship's health, ongoing issues, or emerging misunderstandings can prevent small misalignments from becoming significant problems.

By acknowledging and addressing these misalignments, partners can enhance their relationship's resilience, deepen their connection, and ensure that both individuals feel valued and understood. This proactive approach to managing misalignments fosters a more supportive and fulfilling relationship environment.

Tolerating Misalignments vs. Addressing Deal-Breakers

How do you differentiate between misalignments you can tolerate vs. insurmountable deal-breakers?

The first step in differentiating between tolerable misalignments and intolerable ones is to clearly define your core values and needs. These are the aspects of your life and relationships that you consider non-negotiable, such as honesty, loyalty, or a desire for family. Misalignments that threaten these core values often prove more challenging to tolerate and might require significant attention or reevaluation of the relationship.

Consider how the misalignment affects the health and dynamics of the relationship. Ask yourself:

Does this issue lead to repeated conflicts?
Does it cause significant distress or unhappiness?
Are both partners willing to work on this issue?
Minor misalignments, like differences in hobbies or preferences for household organization, can often be tolerated as they may not fundamentally impact the relationship’s core functioning. In contrast, significant issues, such as different desires for having children or conflicting financial priorities, can fundamentally disrupt a relationship if not addressed.

Effective communication is key to managing any misalignment. Discuss openly how you feel about the issue and explore whether there is room for compromise. For example, if one partner prefers more social gatherings and the other enjoys a quieter lifestyle, compromises could involve balancing attendance at social events with quiet weekends. However, if compromises repeatedly feel one-sided or if the solutions are not satisfactory to both, it may be a sign that the misalignment is too significant to tolerate within the current relationship structure.

Determine whether the misalignment is something that can be adapted to over time. Some differences might initially seem significant but may become less so as partners grow together and adapt to each other's needs and habits. It's important to monitor which differences seem to diminish with time and which ones become more pronounced.

Consider the long-term sustainability of dealing with the misalignment. Is it something that you can live with indefinitely without resentment? If dealing with this issue drains your energy or diminishes your sense of self-worth, it may fall into the category of intolerable.

Sometimes, gaining perspective from a third party, such as a therapist or a trusted friend, can help clarify whether a misalignment is tolerable. External perspectives can provide objective insights into the relationship's dynamics and help partners see solutions, perspectives, or realities they might have missed.

In relationships, discerning which misalignments are tolerable and which are deal-breakers is a dynamic process that requires ongoing communication, reflection, and adjustment. By actively engaging with these issues, partners can foster a more understanding, supportive, and resilient relationship, ensuring that both individuals feel respected and valued despite their differences.