Standardization: One Size Fits All...Never Does

Tools of Oppression in Relationships

This article is part of my Tools of Oppression in Relationships series. Click here to start from the beginning.

Like fear, standardization is a tool of oppression that underpins many other tools of oppression. Also, like fear, I could write so much more about standardization than what I am presenting in this long article, but I’ll save that for the day I decide to publish a book.

The History of Standardization

Standardization is rooted in historical efforts to manage complexity and exert control, often under the guise of progress or fairness.

The mechanization of labor during the Industrial Revolution, a direct result of colonialism, introduced a push for uniformity like never before. Workers were treated as disposable parts in a larger machine, a mindset that has extended into education, healthcare, and governance. Standardized systems were seen as tools to streamline production and maintain order.

Standardization was a key tool of colonial powers, used to enforce control over diverse populations they did not understand in order to extract from and exploit them. By imposing their own language, currency, religion, legal system, and many other cultural aspects, colonizers standardized differences in order to solidify dominance.

When colonizers encountered the vast diversity of cultures, languages, governance systems, and ways of life in the lands they sought to dominate, they were confronted with complexity they neither understood nor valued. Rather than investing in understanding these societies on their own terms, colonizers imposed standardized systems as a way to simplify and control.

As governments and corporations grew, standardization became a way to manage large populations. Policies and practices designed for the majority disregard the needs of many people, under the pretense of fairness.

Standardization served dual purposes:

• The diversity of indigenous systems – whether in language, spiritual practices, or governance – posed a challenge to their goals. By imposing a single language, religion, legal system, economic framework, relationship trajectory, etc., colonialism turned diverse populations into something to be managed and controlled.

• Standardization was also a deliberate act of erasure. By delegitimizing and replacing indigenous knowledge, practices, and identities, colonialism stripped people of the cultural tools that could empower resistance. This was not just about governance but about reshaping entire societies in the dominant culture’s image.

Standardization is not just an act of control, it’s a reflection of the dominant culture’s inability – or unwillingness – to engage with complexity. By imposing uniformity, it avoids grappling with the nuances of the societies they dominate. In their eyes, diversity is inefficiency; standardization became a way to flatten these differences into something manageable for them.

Corruption of the Bell Curve

The bell curve has undeniable usefulness in science, particularly in understanding patterns and distributions in large populations of all organisms. It allows researchers to make sense of complex data and identify trends. However, this statistical tool has been co-opted to become a tool of standardization, applying its framework to human traits and behaviors in ways that reduce individuality to a matter of acceptability. Instead of using the bell curve to celebrate diversity or account for variation, it has been weaponized to enforce conformity, marginalizing a huge number of people who fall outside its “normal” range. This misuse perpetuates the harmful notion that deviation from the mean is inherently problematic, reinforcing systems that prioritize homogeneity over the richness of human diversity.

The bell curve has become a framework through which society conditionally loves those who fall within the “acceptable” 68% on various traits, from intelligence to behavior to physical appearance and ability. This seemingly neutral model normalizes conformity, rewarding those who align with its “average” while marginalizing nearly one in three people who fall outside this range. These individuals often face exclusion, misunderstanding, or outright discrimination, leading to widespread issues in education, justice systems, and family structures. Standardization, rooted in the bell curve’s logic, forces people to suppress their uniqueness in pursuit of acceptance and belonging. This systemic marginalization is a significant driver of the mental health challenges we see often today. By treating authenticity as a deviation rather than a strength, standardization alienates people from themselves and their communities, exploiting the human need for connection while creating a society where true diversity is undervalued and suppressed.

How Standardization Harms Relationships

Standardization undermines relationships on both micro and macro scales by forcing conformity, erasing individuality, and fostering systems that prioritize uniformity over authenticity. It pressures people to conform to societal norms in their relationships, such as adhering to rigid gender roles, traditional family structures, or the relationship escalator. This forces many people to suppress their true selves, fostering resentment, frustration, and disconnection. In romantic relationships, standardization often dictates what love “should” look like, erasing diverse forms of connection such as polyamory and asexuality. Individuals may feel obligated to conform to societal expectations rather than creating a relationship that truly works for them.

When people are conditioned to fit into standardized molds, they may struggle to be vulnerable or express their true feelings. Fear of judgment or rejection leads to superficial interactions rather than deep emotional bonds. For example, men who are socialized to be stoic may struggle to connect authentically with others, perpetuating cycles of miscommunication and unmet needs.

Standardized benchmarks for success, such as career milestones, physical attractiveness, or parenting styles, create a culture of comparison and competition. People may feel the need to “keep up” with societal expectations, turning relationships into competitive rather than collaborative spaces.

Standardization marginalizes people and communities that do not fit within prescribed norms. This includes racial, gender, and neurodiverse identities that are viewed as “other” in systems designed for the majority. For example, standardized education systems fail to accommodate diverse learning styles, leading to exclusion and inequity for students who are too far outside the 68% on the bell curve.

By prioritizing sameness, standardization undermines the strength of diverse communities. It fosters exclusivity by privileging those who conform, while isolating those who do not. This weakens collective resilience and erodes the social fabric needed to address larger challenges, such as environmental crises or systemic inequality.

Standardized systems, such as healthcare, education and justice, treat individuals as cases or numbers rather than unique beings. This dehumanization fosters mistrust between people and institutions, making collective progress harder to achieve.

Standardization exploits the human need for acceptance and belonging, creating a constant tension between conformity and authenticity. The pressure to conform causes individuals to suppress their needs, desires, and identities, harming their mental health and ability to form meaningful connections. Standardization discourages risk-taking and exploration in relationships, reducing opportunities for innovation and collaboration.

What strikes me about standardization is that while it demands uniformity, people internalize its pressures in profoundly different ways, reflecting the very diversity it seeks to suppress. For some, the drive to fit the mold manifests as perfectionism, an obsessive need to meet or exceed societal standards at any cost. This can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout. Others respond with avoidance or learned helplessness, withdrawing from challenges altogether because they feel they’ll never measure up. Still others might develop imposter syndrome, constantly doubting their worth or accomplishments despite external validation, as they internalize the belief that they’re only valuable if they conform perfectly. These varied responses highlight how the psychological toll of standardization is as diverse as the individuals it oppresses – ironically underscoring the futility of a one-size-fits-all approach to human experience.

Standardization of Personal Relationships

In personal relationships, standardization manifests in subtle but insidious ways, imposing expectations about how people should behave, connect, and relate. These rigid frameworks discourage authenticity and force people to conform to societal norms, creating tension and disconnection in relationships that should ideally nurture individuality and mutual understanding.

Standardization of personal relationships stems from the same colonial logic that sought to erase diversity in societies and impose conformity for ease of control. Just as colonizers flattened entire cultures, modern relational norms do the same to human connections. They dictate what love, friendship, and family “should” look like, leaving little room for individuality or authenticity.

The relationship escalator has its roots in systems that prioritize nuclear families to align with capitalist ideals of labor and inheritance. This model was exported globally, erasing alternative relationship structures and standardizing what it means to love and partner. Those who deviate from this path – whether by embracing polyamory, being queer, remaining childfree, or rejecting the escalator altogether – often face judgment and the withdrawal of society’s conditional love. This pressure disproportionately affects marginalized people, who already exist on the edges of societal acceptance. For example, queer and non-monogamous people are often forced to “prove” the validity of their relationships in ways that align with dominant narratives.

Colonial powers imposed strict gender roles within family structures, framing them as natural and universal. Women were relegated to caregiving, while men were positioned as providers, aligning families with the labor and economic needs of colonial and capitalist systems. We are finally seeing some progress in moving away from this within the last few decades and if you’re ever on social media, you probably have seen how many people are dead set against the idea of changing this system and are highly vocal about it. Standardization runs so deep that for many, it feels like safety.

These standardized family roles continue to marginalize those who don’t or can’t conform, such as single parents, LGBTQ+ families, or individuals who reject traditional gender roles. Society’s conditional love is especially apparent here: families that align with the standard receive support and validation, while those that deviate face stigma, exclusion, and reduced access to resources.

The psychological effects of relational standardization are profound. It forces individuals, especially those in marginalized communities, which as I stated before is really almost ⅓ of people, to navigate relationships under the constant threat of rejection or judgment. This dynamic is rooted in the conditional love society offers those who conform.

Marginalized individuals often internalize the expectation to fit into standardized roles, leading to feelings of shame and inadequacy when they cannot. This mirrors the colonial strategy of forced assimilation, which is detrimental to self-worth and authenticity. For those who don’t conform, maintaining relationships can involve performing roles and engaging in actions that don’t align with their true selves, resulting in burnout and resentment. Those who reject standardization entirely may find themselves excluded and isolated, reinforcing the sense that belonging is conditional upon conformity.

Even now, with all the changes and forms of acceptance we have seen in recent years, the most marginalized among us are constantly being forced into boxes they don’t fit. Whether through rigid expectations of romantic love, friendship, or family, standardization serves to exclude and control those who exist outside of the “acceptable range.” These dynamics are not accidents – they are continuations of a colonial legacy that prioritized homogeneity over authenticity.

The “Bravery” of Bucking Standardization

Rejecting relational standardization is liberating. It involves embracing authenticity and actively dismantling the systems that perpetuate these rigid norms. By creating spaces for diverse expressions of love, connection, and family, we can begin to repair the harm done by centuries of forced conformity.

Choosing to reject standardization is often labeled as “brave,” but this label itself reveals how oppressive these systems are. When merely existing authentically is seen as an act of courage, it underscores how much pressure there is to conform. The bravery required to deviate is a response to the risk of rejection, marginalization, and even violence, which reinforces the oppressive nature of standardization.

For those who reject standardization, the act of living authentically often comes with immense personal and social costs.

• Emotional labor

  Individuals who resist standardization are frequently tasked with justifying their existence. Marginalized people are constantly asked to explain and educate, are expected to adapt to systems that don’t accommodate them, and are forced to navigate spaces that are not designed to include them.

• Social isolation

  Rejecting standardization often means being excluded from in-groups and societal support systems. This isolation isn’t just personal – it extends to institutional exclusion, such as barriers to healthcare, education, or legal protections.

• Physical and mental toll

  The constant need to defend one’s identity or way of life leads to chronic stress and psychological turmoil. The bravery demanded by nonconformity is a heavy burden that disproportionately affects marginalized communities.

The fact that authenticity is framed as bravery reflects the cruelty of standardization. People should not have to risk their well-being to live as themselves. The expectation that nonconformists must shoulder the emotional and social burdens of rejecting standardization perpetuates the very systems they resist. Moreover, the glorification of this “bravery” often serves as a convenient distraction from the structural change needed to dismantle standardization itself. Celebrating people for their courage does little to address the systems that require that courage in the first place. Instead of celebrating those who fight to exist, we must dismantle the systems that make their existence a battle.

Simplification as Bastardization

For many, standardization is not just simplification – it is bastardization, a distortion of their authentic selves and relationships into something unrecognizable, unnatural, and unlivable. It takes the richness of human experience – shaped by diverse identities, cultures, and ways of being – and compresses it into a narrow framework that serves systems of control, not people.

At its core, standardization dehumanizes. It treats the infinite variation of human life as inefficiency to be corrected, rather than as the essence of what makes us resilient and interconnected. For many, this feels like an assault on their personhood, pathologization of their core identity. It demands they contort their identities, and abandon their truths to fit into a mold that was never meant to fit their existence.

For the most marginalized, standardization’s cruelty can be seen in its implicit demand: “Be like us, or be less.” This demand for assimilation does not offer equality or fairness. It offers conditional acceptance at best and outright rejection at worst. The emotional toll of this forced conformity is immense. By enforcing sameness, standardization upholds hierarchies. The dominant group, whose traits and behaviors define the “standard,” is positioned as superior, while everyone else is pushed further to the margins.

The same mindset that demanded colonized peoples abandon their traditions and conform now tells children to “sit still and focus,” queer and polyamorous people to “love the right way,” and non-white people to assimilate into whiteness to survive. For so many, this violence of standardization is ongoing. It is experienced every time their humanity is measured against a standard that was never meant to include them.

Rejecting the False Promise of Standardization

Standardization is oppression dressed as equality. It promises fairness, but it delivers inequity. It creates systems that reward those who naturally align with the standard while punishing those who do not. Even more insidiously, standardization perpetuates the myth that difference is the problem, rather than the system itself. It capitalizes on the human need to belong, forcing people into boxes that fragment their identities and strain their relationships.

We must return to the truth: diversity is not a threat – it is our strength. When people are free to express themselves fully, their relationships become richer so their communities grow stronger which makes their contributions more meaningful. We must create space for difference, not as an exception, but as a fundamental part of how we build systems and relationships. It requires a shift from control to collaboration, from simplicity to complexity. In rejecting standardization, we reject the notion that human worth can ever be measured by a single, narrow standard. We reclaim the beauty and power of authenticity and diversity, building relationships and a world that honor the fullness of who we are.

Click here to read the next article in the series - Erasure: Silencing Diverse Voices