When talking to monogamous folks about polyamory, they almost always mention or ask about jealousy. “I could never be poly because I’m too jealous” or “Don’t you get jealous?” The short answer is yes. Sometimes I do feel jealousy and sometimes I also feel the somewhat lesser discussed emotion called envy. I have felt these emotions before polyamory officially came into my life. I understand why monogamous people tend to bring this topic up. We are so culturally conditioned to believe that romantic partners “belong” to each other. It’s everywhere – in media, legal systems, and social practices – which makes it feel natural to claim ownership over a partner’s time, attention, or affection.
I believe jealousy and envy are natural emotions and can be present in relationships that are not romantic also. I think we feel jealousy and envy more intensely in romantic relationships due to our social conditioning and there are more opportunities for these feelings to arise in the context of polyamory.
In a previous article of mine, I mentioned that jealousy and envy can be big problems in metamour relationships (click here if you missed it, I got you). I’ll talk a little bit about that in this piece, but the main focus is going to be you and your partner(s). What I really want to do in this article is to name and articulate some experiences of jealousy and envy that I have observed and encountered among non-monogamous people and hopefully provide some insight.
Defining Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy are often confused, but understanding the distinction between the two emotions can help to address and manage them in a healthy way. Both emotions stem from what another person has (or seems to have), yet they can manifest differently.
Jealousy arises when you fear that something you already have – like a relationship or emotional connection – is being threatened or could be taken away. This fear is typically accompanied by feelings of distrust, anxiety, and anger, as it triggers a defensive response to protect what feels at risk. Jealousy tends to be more hostile in nature, as it is rooted in the fear of losing something valuable.
Envy, on the other hand, is the desire for something you don’t have but wish you did, whether it’s a trait, an experience, or a relationship. Envy is less about fear of loss and more about longing. While envy can still evoke negative emotions such as resentment or feelings of inadequacy, it can also inspire motivation and can be on the other side of the same spectrum as admiration. However, if left unchecked, envy can damage self-esteem, leading to a sense of inferiority and dissatisfaction with one’s own life.
Understanding these differences matters because jealousy and envy require different responses. Jealousy, with its fear-based nature, often leads to protective or defensive behaviors, while envy may prompt feelings of inferiority or a desire for improvement. Though both emotions can be difficult to manage, envy has a more complex range, sometimes blending admiration with discontent. Jealousy, however, tends to involve feelings of more overt aggression, making it particularly challenging to navigate within relationships.
It’s important to note that feeling jealous or envious is completely normal. Both are natural human emotions, and it’s common to experience them at the same time. You might feel jealous of the time your partner spends with someone else while also envying that person’s qualities or success. These feelings can intensify each other – for example, envy over someone’s perceived advantages can worsen jealousy when they seem to be receiving something you want but don’t have.
Navigating these emotions in a healthy way begins with recognizing them for what they are.
Some Reasons Polyamorous People Might Feel Jealousy
Jealousy among polyamorous people can arise from a variety of fears, often centering on the potential loss of emotional connection, intimacy, or a sense of significance. These fears can result in specific emotional responses and protective/defensive behaviors.
Here’s a breakdown of some reasons jealousy might arise and how it can manifest.
Fear of losing emotional connection
If your partner seems to be forming a close connection with someone else, it may trigger anxiety about your own bond weakening. You might feel disconnected or worry that you’re losing your emotional place with them. This fear can lead to emotional withdrawal or seeking more validation from your partner. You might feel resentment or distance from your metamour, assuming that their growing closeness is directly reducing yours.
Anxiety over “sacred” moments
Certain traditions, expressions, experiences, or intimate rituals that you’ve built with your partner may feel sacred, and if your partner shares these moments with someone else, it can provoke jealousy. Toward your partner, this might manifest as protectiveness over these experiences or a desire to restrict when and how they can share such moments with others. With metas, you may feel resentment or frustration, believing they are encroaching on what makes your relationship special.
Fear of diminished importance & significance
You might worry that another relationship is starting to overshadow yours, leading to feelings of insecurity. As your partner forms new or deepens existing connections, there may be an underlying fear that your role in their life is becoming less central. This fear can prompt defensive behaviors like asserting the importance of your relationship through specific demands or trying to monopolize your partner’s time. In interactions with your meta, it can result in subtle or overt competition, trying to demonstrate your own importance in comparison. You might feel suspicion or rivalry, questioning why they are getting more attention or emotional significance.
Feeling threatened by long-standing relationships
When your partner has a long-term history with someone else, it can feel like their established bond constantly eclipses yours. This jealousy can lead to defensiveness toward your partner, such as expressing concern that their history together means they’ll always prioritize their older relationships over yours or comparing milestones and experiences, and trying to assert that your connection is just as significant. Toward your meta, you might experience feelings of inferiority or intimidation, resulting in avoidance or strained communication.
FOMO
When your partner engages in special activities or experiences that romantic couples typically have together with someone else, FOMO (fear of missing out) can set in. These activities and experiences can include trips, weddings, parties, family events, etc. This jealousy can provoke feelings of exclusion and anxiety, leading to behaviors like asking your partner for more time together or seeking to involve yourself in those same activities. Toward your meta, this could manifest as competition or envy, wanting to share the same level of engagement your partner has with them.
Some Reasons Polyamorous People Might Feel Envy
Envy often arises when you desire something that your partner is giving to someone else, or when you feel like another partner has something you wish you had. Unlike jealousy, which is rooted in fear of losing something, envy focuses on longing for what you don’t have but wish you did. Here are some common reasons why polyamorous people might feel envy.
Wanting experiences you haven’t had
Envy may emerge when your partner shares special experiences – like vacations, romantic gestures, or intimate dates – with someone else that you haven’t had with them. This can lead to feelings of longing or exclusion, where you may wish to have similar experiences but feel left out. The feelings of envy could manifest as subtle resentment toward your partner, especially if the experience seems particularly meaningful, or directed toward your meta, seeing them as having something special that you desire.
Envy of the alignment your partner has with someone else
You might feel envious when your partner seems deeply aligned with another person in ways you haven’t experienced with them. This alignment – whether it’s shared goals, values, etc. – can stir feelings of insecurity, leading to doubts about your own connection and feeling threatened, triggering and intensifying jealousy. You might feel that your partner’s connection with the other person is more harmonious or “ideal” compared to yours. You might even feel skepticism or dismissiveness toward your meta.
Envy of another partner’s role in personal growth
If you see your partner growing emotionally or developing new interests that seem to be influenced by another partner, you may feel envious of your meta’s role in this growth. You might feel like you’re being left out of your partner’s personal evolution or development. It might make you question why you aren’t part of this journey and you may feel like your meta has too much influence or control over your partner.
Desiring the freedom of other relationships
If your relationship involves more practical responsibilities – such as cohabitation, managing finances, or raising children – you may feel envious of the apparent freedom and lightness that your partner experiences in other connections. While your relationship may focus more on day-to-day duties, their time with another partner might seem more carefree or focused on fun and adventure. This envy can manifest as frustration toward your partner and bitterness toward your meta.
Admiration envy
Envy can also arise from admiration of someone’s traits – whether it’s their appearance, confidence, social status, emotional stability, or financial situation. These feelings can manifest as comparing yourself to your meta and feeling inferior or insecure. Toward your partner, you may seek reassurance about your own worth or feel uncertain about how you measure up to the person you admire, leading to emotional strain and doubt.
Navigating Jealousy and Envy
While jealousy and envy are normal emotions, it’s important to navigate them without causing harm.
Challenges You Might Face
Internal conflict: You might experience guilt or frustration with yourself when these emotions surface, especially if they seem to go against your values. The internal conflict between your rational beliefs and emotional responses can lead to confusion or self-criticism. Especially for polyamorous people, where the “ideal” is to celebrate your partner’s happiness with others, you might feel like these emotions contradict your principles, which can lead to shame and self-blame. This can make it hard to acknowledge and work through your feelings in a healthy way.
Fear of vulnerability: Expressing feelings of jealousy or envy can make you feel vulnerable, as it involves admitting to feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. You might fear that sharing these emotions will make you appear needy, insecure, or less confident in your relationship. This fear of being vulnerable can lead to bottling up your emotions, which may intensify the very feelings you want to suppress.
Comparison trap: Jealousy and envy feed on comparisons. You might find yourself measuring your relationship against your partner’s other relationships or comparing yourself to your metas in terms of looks, achievements, emotional connection, etc. This comparison trap can amplify feelings of inadequacy or create unnecessary tension in your relationships, as you may begin to fixate on perceived inequalities or differences.
Balancing multiple emotional needs: Managing your own needs while being supportive of your partner’s other relationships can be very challenging. You might struggle to balance your desire for connection, attention, and validation with the awareness that your partner is meeting those same needs with others. This can create a sense of emotional overload, where you feel pulled between wanting to honor your partner’s autonomy and your own needs for reassurance and emotional fulfillment.
Tips for Navigating Your Challenges
First, acknowledge and name the emotion without judgment, understanding that these feelings are natural and part of the human experience. This can help you respond to them with greater clarity.
Approach Jealousy and Envy Differently
Jealousy
Remember that jealousy typically arises from a fear of losing something you already have and it often carries a sense of insecurity or perceived threat to your current relationship.
When you realize you’re feeling jealousy:
Focus on reassurance and connection. When jealousy arises, it’s important to focus on restoring your sense of security in the relationship. Rather than trying to dismiss or push away the feelings, approach jealousy with curiosity: What fears or insecurities are being triggered? Discuss these with your partner in a way that seeks reassurance, not control. Strengthening your connection through intentional time together can help ease the fear of loss that often fuels jealousy.
Acknowledge the fear without acting on it. Jealousy can prompt defensive or protective behaviors that can harm relationships. By acknowledging the fear of losing something valuable, you can begin to explore where it’s coming from without letting it dictate your actions. This allows for greater emotional openness while preventing overreactions that may damage trust.
Envy
Remember that envy is when you want something that someone else has. It’s more about longing and comparison than fear of loss.
When you realize you’re feeling envy:
When envy arises, it’s helpful to pinpoint the exact desire that is fueling it. Are you longing for more quality time with your partner? Do you wish you had the same level of emotional support someone else is receiving? By identifying the specific need or desire, you can better find ways to meet it rather than allowing envy to fester. It’s possible that you won’t get what you want from your partner; the beauty of polyamory is that you can decide how to transition relationships to whatever works for everyone involved. This might mean redefining agreements or expectations of your connection, allowing both you and your partner the flexibility to meet your needs in a way that honors your autonomy and supports the wellbeing of all.
Envy can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration, but instead of focusing on comparison, use envy as an opportunity for self-reflection. What do you desire that you’re not currently experiencing? By reframing envy as a motivator for self-improvement or growth, you can focus on what is lacking in your own life or relationship and take steps to fulfill those desires, rather than resenting what someone else has.
More Tips
It’s easy to be hard on yourself for feeling jealous or envious, especially if you hold yourself to high standards of openness and emotional strength. Instead of feeling ashamed, practice self-compassion. It’s okay to have these feelings so give yourself grace as you work through them.
Share your feelings with your partner(s) in an open, non-accusatory way. Express how jealousy or envy is impacting you. Open communication fosters understanding and can help prevent miscommunication or assumptions from escalating emotions. Emotional transparency helps create a safe space where partners can express their vulnerabilities without fear. This can lead to deeper trust and understanding in your relationship.
Take time to discuss and clarify any boundaries that help you feel secure. Clarifying what makes you feel emotionally safe can help your partner navigate their other connections with greater sensitivity, but be careful to remember that sometimes rules can be disguised as boundaries and try to avoid that pitfall.
Comparing yourself to your meta can lead to unnecessary tension. Instead of fixating on what your meta has that you don’t, focus on the strengths of your own relationship with your partner. Recognize that each connection is different, and that neither competition nor comparison serve your wellbeing.
Decide whether it’s better to create some emotional distance or engage in open communication with your meta. In some cases, taking a step back can help you process your feelings, while in others, direct communication can build understanding and ease tension. It’s important to honestly gauge what feels healthiest for everyone involved.
Intentionally focusing on empathy for everyone involved – yourself, your partner(s), and your meta(s) – can ease negative emotions and foster a more positive outlook.
When your partner feels jealous or envious…
Listen with empathy. The first step is always to listen without judgment. Allow them to share their feelings openly, creating space for them to be heard. Acknowledging their emotions can help defuse the intensity of their feelings and foster a deeper sense of connection.
Remember not to take your partner’s feelings personally. Recognize that their their emotions are not a reflection of you or your relationship. Instead of viewing their emotions as a personal attack or a sign of weakness, understand that these feelings are natural and can arise for many reasons. Approach their jealousy with compassion, knowing it’s part of their emotional experience, not a flaw in their character. This can help you respond with greater empathy and patience.
Acknowledge their fears without dismissing them. It’s important to validate and show empathy for your partner’s concerns, even if you don’t fully agree with them. By acknowledging the fears behind their jealousy or envy, you show that you understand their emotional experience. Avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings, as doing so can create further disconnection. Instead, work together to explore why these emotions are arising and what can be done to address them.
Offer reassurance without overpromising. Reassuring your partner is key but it’s important to avoid overpromising or making commitments or agreements that could lead to resentment later. Focus on reinforcing the bond you share and affirming their significance in your life without compromising your autonomy or your other relationships.
Use this as an opportunity for mutual reflection on your relationship. Are there needs or desires that are not being met? Are there aspects of the relationship that could be adjusted to help ease their feelings of jealousy or envy? Having an open conversation about how to better support each other can strengthen your connection.
This was a long one today so if you made it to the end, hopefully that means you found this valuable. I really appreciate you reading and I also appreciate your thoughts and feedback!
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These challenges have occurred in most relationships throughout my life, and I am anxious and frustrated and fatigued when they do. I even got anxious about reading this article! 🤣 that’s probably because I try to avoid conflicts and didn’t want to waste time analyzing this without practical solutions. but once I got past the intro and into the definitions, I became hopeful that a just breaking it down and cataloging those challenges was helpful because
understanding was leading to less intimidation. By the time I got to the tips, I was already feeling better about my ability to face them both. This article reinforced that avoidance is not the best way to deal with jealousy or envy. And it made them less scary! Thanks Shani.
I have always been so interested in this aspect of polygamy. Honestly, reading your post invoked anger and fear just imagining such a relationship lolol. However, I am taking a step and realizing that this kind of anger and fear has tainted almost every relationship in my life. Down to my relationship with my parents and siblings! I really love your perspective and as a result, I want to begin to challenge those feelings...
Anyway, Great post Shani