Navigating relationships beyond the confines of the traditional “relationship escalator” has been a journey of profound self-discovery and liberation for me. This path has not only challenged my conditioned monogamous tendencies but also enriched my understanding of intimacy, connection, and love in all its forms.
Overcoming Monogamous Conditioning
Embarking on a path divergent from compulsory monogamy felt like unlearning a language I had been fluent in all my life but that had always lacked the words that spoke to my deepest desires. The process continues to be riddled with moments of discomfort and revelations that stem from challenging the monogamous conditioning deeply embedded within me. There are several pervasive beliefs that I consistently encounter and work to transcend.
The Possession Paradigm
One of the first and most daunting beliefs I grappled with was the notion of possession — the idea that a partner is “yours” and that exclusivity is the ultimate expression of love. For years, phrases like “You’re mine” were synonymous with romance to me, but peeling back the layers, I began to see how such language perpetuates a sense of ownership rather than partnership. Love shouldn’t feel like holding tightly to a prized possession but rather like holding hands, where both individuals are free to choose to walk together.
The realization that love is not about possession became even clearer when I reflected on the non-romantic relationships in my life. When it comes to platonic love, for instance, the idea that a friend “belongs” to you in the same possessive manner that is often glorified in romantic contexts simply doesn’t hold. Friendships thrive on the idea that being part of someone’s life is a gift, not a right. This allows friendships to flourish without the pressure of ownership, creating spaces where people can grow together and apart, without the fear of losing the connection. I want the same in my romantic relationships.
Jealousy as a Measure of Love
Many often romanticize jealousy as a measure of love’s depth. “If you’re jealous, it means you really care,” was a sentiment I had unconsciously internalized, yet, upon reflection, I recognized it as a manifestation of insecurity, fear, and scarcity mindset, rather than love. Often, we feel jealousy not because we doubt our partner’s affection but because we are conditioned to equate their interactions with others as a diminishment of what we share.
There was a pivotal realization that underscored this internal conflict: when my love would engage in perfectly normal activities without me — be it spending time with friends or going on a business trip, I didn’t feel jealous. However, my emotions were more troubling when he chose to spend romantic time with someone else or when he engaged in activities or experiences I had hoped we would explore together. It wasn’t the act of him enjoying his life independently that stirred my feelings of jealousy but rather the specific choice to share moments of romance with others. This distinction was crucial in understanding the triggers of my jealousy, illuminating that it was less about the fear of being left out and more about the nuances of what those shared experiences represented to me. Why do certain activities feel more significant? Reflecting on this led to the realization that my jealousy was less about his actions and more about my desires for shared experiences and the meanings I attributed to them.
Recognizing jealousy as a signal to reflect on, and sometimes communicate, insecurities transforms it from a source of contention to an opportunity for growth.
The Exclusivity Trap
Monogamous conditioning ingrained in me a perception of love as inherently exclusive, suggesting that it is a finite emotional resource that can only be bestowed upon one person at a time. I bought into the idea that you can’t be in love with two people at the same time.
This belief system was profoundly challenged as I ventured into the world of non-monogamy and witnessed long-term relationships that did not include exclusivity at all. It became evident to me that love, in its purest form, operates not as a zero-sum game but as a boundless sea, capable of expanding to embrace all who enter its waters.
Just as a parent’s love for one child doesn’t diminish with the birth of another, so too can our capacity for romantic love extend beyond a single individual. Similarly, just because we have one incredible friend doesn’t mean our hearts are closed to forming new friendships. Why is romantic love different? Why should it be confined to an exclusive arrangement when the human heart is clearly capable of loving more than one person in various ways? Love is inclusive and multiplicative. Just because you already have dope connections doesn’t preclude the possibility of more. Love is an infinite wellspring.
Redefining Commitment
Stepping off the escalator taught me that commitment is not about forsaking all others but about choosing to support and honor the connection you share with someone, day after day. Commitment should be a testament to the strength and quality of a bond, not to the limitations placed on it.
Commitment is not an obligation to be with each other out of fear of losing the connection. Instead, I see it as an opportunity to choose each other freely and wholeheartedly every day. This approach is rooted in the understanding that love is not a cage — it’s a choice.
Lots of introspection revealed the roles of unconditional love and agency in redefining commitment. Unconditional love asks us to embrace our loves as they are, supporting their growth and respecting their autonomy. It’s a love that doesn’t waver in the face of change but adapts, understanding that our connections can evolve without diminishing in significance. It’s about loving without conditions, without expecting our loves to fit into predefined roles or ideals. I freely give my love and affection and that’s not dependent on the choices my partners make outside of our relationship — it’s dependent on the love and affection I feel for them.
True commitment cannot exist without the freedom and agency to choose it.
What does love look like to me now?
Even after all that I have said here, I knew my monogamous marriage was really over when my ex-husband confessed to me that he had cheated. We had other issues, but this admission put the nail in the coffin for me. If I eventually learned to embrace non-monogamy, why did this betrayal rock me to my core?
I found myself contemplating: What does love look like to me now? It is no longer a rigid construct defined by monogamy, but a dynamic, expansive force that thrives on openness and mutual respect. In my marriage, we did not have explicit agreements; we had implicit expectations. Expectations, while common in many relationships, often go uncommunicated. We assume that our partner has internalized the same notions of commitment, fidelity, and relationship progression in the same way we have. This is a direct side effect of the standardization of relationships. We so expect everyone to be the same that we make assumptions and we don’t ask pertinent questions. Perhaps the most transformative aspect of my journey has been the valuable lesson of making the implicit explicit. This means regularly engaging in open, honest dialogue about what we expect, want, and need from each other. This process isn’t always easy; it challenges us to confront ourselves and our desires that we may not have fully understood or articulated before. It was through embracing vulnerability that I uncovered the true joy and elation that romantic love can bring to someone’s life.
Love, as I now know it, is built on a foundation of clear communication, mutual respect, and the understanding that no two relationships will look the same but they are all valid and meaningful.
Deepening Platonic Connections
In stepping off the escalator, I discovered the immense freedom that comes from allowing relationships to define themselves outside of conventional titles and labels, untethered by social norms. These relationships defy easy categorization, living in the spaces between the traditional definitions of friendship and romance.
Here are some examples, but the possibilities are truly infinite:
Platonic life partnerships involve sharing a life with someone based on mutual respect, shared values, and deep emotional connection, without the expectations of sexual or romantic involvement. These partnerships are built on a foundation of trust and commitment that rivals any traditional marriage, challenging the assumption that life-sharing partnerships must be romantic in nature.
Queerplatonic relationships offer a space to explore intimacy beyond the traditional distinctions between romantic, sexual, and platonic love, presenting a form of connection that prioritizes emotional intimacy and a profound bond above all else. These relationships are often more physically affectionate than traditional friendships. While not defined by sexual involvement, they leave room for such intimacy to develop if parties choose to express their affection through sexual touch. This aspect underscores the fluidity of queerplatonic relationships and reflects how deeply intimate they can be.
Semi-romantic relationships have further blurred the lines between platonic and romantic love for me. These connections, where romantic feelings ebb and flow without the pressures of defining the relationship in strict terms, have taught me the value of letting relationships organically evolve. They highlight the fluidity of human affection, where the presence or absence of romantic feelings does not dictate the depth or validity of the connection.
I saw this meme on social media recently and it seemed fitting!
A Love That Celebrates Agency & Unconditional Love
Over two years ago, Sundiata and I were pulled into each other’s orbits. Since then, our love has grown to become central to my life. I reflected quite a lot to write this article and I’m struck by a deep sense of gratitude and awe. Never before have I experienced such a profound sense of security, love, and acceptance. It’s as if we have discovered a secret to connection, where every turn reveals new depths of understanding and companionship. I am wholly seen, deeply loved, unconditionally accepted, and free. I’m sure you’ve already guessed that we are not monogamous.
The love we share is not the stuff of fairy tales — it’s richer, more nuanced, and infinitely more rewarding. It’s in the way we communicate with openness and vulnerability, finding in each other a well of support and understanding. Choosing each other when we spend time together is a conscious decision that infuses our relationship with a sense of security. There’s something incredibly romantic and reassuring in knowing that of all the possibilities available to both of us, we continue to choose this love together. It’s a choice made not from obligation, but from a deeply aligned connection that feels safe and wonderful.
I have learned the true meaning of partnership — two individuals coming together, not to complete each other, but to complement, to challenge, to support, and to enrich one another’s lives. I’ve learned that security in a relationship doesn’t come from rigid structures or societal expectations but from the freedom to be ourselves, to grow individually and together, and to navigate the inevitable changes life throws our way with resilience and grace for each other.
I’m filled with optimism and love. I cherish that our relationship defies conventional labels and expectations, thriving instead on agency, unconditional love, and continuous discovery. The amount of time we spend together, the ways that we continue to intertwine our lives, is based on the depths of our alignments. He’s a lover, a best friend, a confidant, a co-adventurer — a kindred spirit with whom I can explore the vastness of the human experience. This love, so vibrant and expansive, has illuminated my life in ways I never imagined. It has shown me that love, in its truest form, is not about possession or obligation; it’s about freedom and resilience.
Stepping off the relationship escalator has opened my eyes to the infinite possibilities of human connection. It has taught me that love is not a finite resource to be guarded but a boundless force that grows. By challenging the conventional boundaries of relationships, I've found a clearer sense of self and more intimate connections with those around me. As I continue on this path, I'm excited to explore the many forms love can take, always with an open heart and a curious mind. I hope you’ll continue with me.
🔥🔥🔥❤️❤️❤️