Rethinking Romantic Love Altogether

Sustainable Relationships

One might wonder why the realm of romantic love often appears to be in crisis – as evidenced by high divorce rates, widespread dissatisfaction in relationships, “pee in the dating pool,” etc. The answer, in part, lies in the standardization of love and the expectation of an “all-or-nothing,” one-size-fits-all model for relationships.

The phenomenon that upholds compulsory monogamy, often referred to as mononormativity, insists on a singular path for relationships: meet, date, marry, and maintain exclusivity until death do you part. This linear progression, called the “relationship escalator,” does not account for the myriad ways humans connect, grow, and change over time. By imposing this standardized path, society sets up many individuals for failure when their relationships naturally evolve beyond these narrow expectations.

The perception that romantic love is dying under the weight of high divorce rates and dissatisfaction may well stem from its standardization. As we move toward a future that celebrates the diversity of human relationships, we can foster a culture where unconditional love, in all its forms, is recognized for its potential to contribute to our collective resilience and well-being as a species. Just as biodiversity is essential for a healthy ecosystem, so too is relationship diversity for a vibrant, supportive society. 

“The One”

Many are so relentlessly pursuing “The One,” they often miss out on the other human connections that could enrich their lives. This pursuit, deeply ingrained in our culture through tales of romantic destiny and soulmates, has fostered a culture of discard — a binary approach to relationships where individuals who do not fit one’s precise mold of “The One” are all too quickly set aside. In the shadow of compulsory monogamy, there’s a tendency to funnel relationships through a narrow sieve of expectations, discarding those who don’t align perfectly with the blueprint of the ideal romantic partner. There are only two ways to go on the escalator: up or off.

This phenomenon not only trivializes the importance of non-romantic connections, but also diminishes the potential for growth and fulfillment that diverse relationships bring. By adhering to a rigid narrative that prioritizes finding and securing “The One” above all else, people can overlook the beauty and significance of connections that don’t conform exactly to traditional romantic paradigms.

Drawing from my previous posts, we’re reminded that relationships are multifaceted. When it comes to romantic love, we’ve been conditioned to seek partners who completely fulfill both desirability and compatibility — a tall order that can lead to the dismissal of relationships that don’t align perfectly with our ideals. But what if we shifted our perspective, viewing relationships not as fixed entities but as fluid interactions that can be adjusted in frequency and proximity based on the ways in which we align in various aspects of our lives?

By adopting this approach, we open ourselves to the richness of maintaining connections with those who might not meet every criterion of “The One" but enrich our lives in significant ways. An aligned intellectual connection with one person might spark endless conversations and learning, while an aligned platonic bond offers emotional support and companionship. Sometimes we find high levels of alignment in both of these in the same person, but sometimes we don’t. Rather than discarding these relationships in search of a singular, all-encompassing connection, we can cherish and nurture them for the unique dimensions they add to our lives.

This perspective encourages us to evaluate our relationships not just on a linear scale of progression or regression, but as a constellation of connections that ebb and flow over time. We can embrace the idea that relationships can change — becoming more or less central to our lives based on our evolving needs, circumstances, and alignments — without being viewed as failures. The arrows on the diagram above can go in any and every direction and you can substitute any relationship changes that are relevant to you.

Scarcity & Standardization: Dismantling Tools of Oppression in Romantic Love

At the intersection of scarcity and standardization lies a powerful mechanism of control, shaping our perceptions and experiences of romantic love in profound ways. These are identified Tools of Oppression and they function not only to constrain us but also perpetuate dominant systems and a cycle of fear, insecurity, and unfulfilled needs.

The scarcity mindset, with its roots deeply embedded in the notion that love is a finite commodity, fuels the relentless pursuit of security, possessiveness, and exclusivity. This fear-driven scramble for love fosters an environment ripe for co-dependence, where relationships are clung to not out of mutual enrichment but as a way to prevent the dread of loneliness and loss. Love, under the shadow of scarcity, becomes a prize to be jealously guarded, distorting its inherently expansive and inclusive nature.

Standardization of romantic love demands a linear, escalating trajectory. In adhering to this standardized path, we lose sight of the myriad ways love can manifest and evolve, discarding relationships that do not conform to this rigid framework, leaving many of us with incomplete social networks and lack of community support.

Together, scarcity and standardization serve as formidable tools of oppression, limiting our understanding and expression of love. They lock us into a cycle of seeking validation through prescribed milestones, all the while fearing the loss of love as if it were a finite resource.

To dismantle these oppressive structures and reclaim romantic love, we must first acknowledge love’s inherent abundance and reject the escalator as the sole model for relationship success. By recognizing love as a boundless, multifaceted experience, we open ourselves to all kinds of possibilities for relationships.

Stepping off the relationship escalator allows us to see relationships not as linear paths defined by societal expectations but as fluid, evolving connections that enrich our lives in various ways. This shift challenges us to embrace the ups and downs of our relationships, understanding that change and transition are not indicators of failure, but opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

In recognizing the limitations imposed by scarcity and standardization on our perceptions of love, we do more than just liberate ourselves on an individual level; we lay the groundwork for a broader societal transformation. This shift towards recognizing love in all its varied forms as a freely given gift, rather than a scarce commodity to be controlled, underpins a more inclusive and resilient community ethos. It is here, in this expansive understanding of love, that we find the foundations of true agency and the capacity for unconditional love — two tools of liberation that stand in stark contrast to the constraints and fears bred by traditional norms.

Agency, in this context, emerges from the freedom to form connections that resonate with our true selves, free from the prescriptions of societal expectations. It is the liberty to choose and navigate relationships based on reciprocity and alignment. This agency is a declaration of our capacity to define love on our own terms, to seek connections that empower and uplift us, and to trust and honor the unique ways in which love manifests in our lives.

Unconditional love, too, becomes a radical act of liberation, extending beyond the romantic to encompass all forms of connection. It challenges us to love without expectation or strings attached. It challenges us to ignore conventional benchmarks of relationship success, to embrace others for who they are, and to offer support and affection without keeping score. In cultivating unconditional love, we not only nurture our relationships with others and ourselves, we also contribute to the dismantling of oppressive structures that seek to limit how love is expressed and experienced.

In my next piece, I’ll talk more about how I try to practice what I preach because my perspective is not simply a critique of the prevailing systems; it actively constructs a new vision of love as a liberating force, capable of transcending barriers and uniting us in our shared humanity.