Desirability vs. Compatibility
This is the first post in a series of three. This post discusses the differences between desirability and compatibility.
A lot of people think dating is hard. The reason people struggle to date isn’t because there is a shortage of eligible candidates. In this article, I’m going to explain the problem plaguing your dating life and how to work around it.
Are you picking your dates based on desirability or compatibility?
Desirability
Simply, a person is romantically desirable if many people desire them. Desirability refers to the degree to which someone is sought after by people.
I’m sure you can guess the number one predictor of desirability: conventional attractiveness. This is one of the most consistent predictors of romantic desirability across cultures and contexts. People tend to be attracted to those who they perceive to be physically attractive. And while, yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is not completely subjective; there are specific features that are almost universally highly rated as beautiful.
But there are other desirability predictors also. Higher social status, such as wealth or educational attainment, can also increase a person’s desirability as a romantic partner. Height is a desirability factor, mostly desired by women. It’s important to note that while these factors may increase someone’s perceived desirability, there is no single formula for attracting a romantic partner, and individual preferences and circumstances can vary greatly.
Often, when people are selecting their dates, they consider the following desirability predictors:
physical attractiveness
age
education level
income
race/ethnicity/cultural background
previous marital status
sexual preferences
interests and hobbies
mental and physical health
political views
general similarity to oneself
It’s 2023, so many of us are looking for love on dating apps. You can glean a lot of the above information from someone’s profile, depending on which app you’re using. On Hinge, for example, many of these are standard questions. When browsing on an app, it’s easy to eliminate potential date candidates based on this list. Dating apps have made it easier than ever to identify what makes people “desirable.” Desirability is hierarchical. The more messages and likes you receive on a dating app compared to other users, the more desirable you are.
Interestingly, a huge study showed that the factors listed above do not predict happy romantic relationships at all. But the very fact that they are desirability predictors means that is how most people are selecting their dates. So people are picking their potential romantic partners based on factors that do not matter.
Compatibility
Being romantically compatible means that two individuals share similar values, interests, beliefs, and lifestyles, and are able to coexist and work together in a romantic relationship without significant conflict or tension. In a romantically compatible relationship, partners have a deep sense of understanding and empathy for each other, and are able to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings and needs. They likely have common goals and aspirations for the future, and they are able to support each other in pursuing their individual passions and interests. Being romantically compatible does not necessarily mean that two people are identical or agree on everything, but rather that they are able to accept and appreciate each other’s differences and work through conflicts in healthy and constructive ways.
While desirability often plays a big role in initiating a romantic relationship, it is compatibility that sustains a healthy and successful relationship in the long term. Two individuals may be highly desirable to each other, but if they are not compatible in terms of their values and communication styles, the relationship may be unsustainable. On the other hand, two individuals who are highly compatible may be able to work through conflicts and challenges in their relationship, even if they are not initially highly desirable to each other. Ultimately, it is compatibility, not desirability, that makes a relationship sustainable.
Unfortunately, while desirability is extremely easy to measure given enough data, compatibility is far more complex and harder to assess. In other words, it’s very easy to determine a person’s romantic desirability, but it is very difficult to determine two people’s romantic compatibility. The study I linked above (and here it is again) supports this claim. This is the problem plaguing most singles: they know desirability when they see it, but they don’t recognize compatibility (or incompatibility).
In the next post of this three-part series, I will discuss conflict, signs of incompatibility, and how differing value priorities can lead to unsustainable relationships.