Why Dating is Hard (Part 2)
This is the second post in a series of three. Click here to read the first post, which explained the difference between desirability and…
This is the second post in a series of three. Click here to read the first post, which explained the difference between desirability and compatibility. This post discusses relationship conflict and signs of incompatibility.
Tools for evaluating compatibility between two people already exist. There are relationship surveys, personality tests such as Myers-Briggs and the Big Five, and even carefully curated compatibility assessments created by individuals and organizations. I think anything is better than using desirability as the sole picker so I’m in favor of using these tools. However, I’m going to suggest a different approach in the remainder of this series.
If you’re looking for more detail and information, see my previous two pieces about how this theory applies to romantic relationships — Part 1 gets it started and Part 2 dives even deeper. The rest of this series will build on this foundation.
Dating should be an enjoyable experience of learning about one another and determining alignment and compatibility. It can be easier if you know the signs of incompatibility.
Conflict
Remember that compatibility is when two people are able to coexist and work together in a romantic relationship without significant conflict or tension. Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship and not all conflicts lead to the end of a relationship. However, when conflicts become persistent or insurmountable, they can contribute to the breakdown of a romantic relationship.
Conflict arises when there are differences in values, beliefs, and expectations, leading to tension and stress in the relationship. If conflicts are not resolved in a healthy and constructive manner, they can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction, eroding the trust and intimacy that is necessary for a successful romantic relationship.
Some common causes of conflict in a romantic relationship include:
Communication breakdowns: Poor communication or misunderstandings can lead to conflicts and can ultimately erode the trust and intimacy in a relationship.
Differences in life goals: Differences in life goals can cause conflict in romantic relationships when two people have different ideas about the direction they want their lives to take. They may feel that they are holding each other back or that their life paths are simply too different to align.
Infidelity or betrayal: Cheating or other forms of betrayal can cause a significant breach of trust and can be difficult to repair.
Power struggles: When one person dominates or tries to control the other, it can lead to conflicts and feelings of resentment.
Lifestyle incompatibilities: Differences in lifestyle preferences, such as socializing habits, hobbies, or work-life balance, can lead to conflicts if one person feels neglected or unsupported.
Family or friend conflicts: Disagreements or tensions between families or friends can create stress and tension in a relationship.
All of these are related to the values one prioritizes. In particular, there are two categories that deserve special attention in this discussion. They are highlighted in the image below.
In the context of romantic relationships, conflicts may arise when people prioritize different values, such as one person valuing security and tradition while the other prioritizes self-direction and stimulation. These opposing values can create tension and disagreement, which will lead to conflict.
Signs of Incompatibility
Let’s go over some relationship observations that signal value misalignment and therefore, lack of compatibility. If you see these signs, you should probably be concerned about compatibility, no matter how many of your desirability boxes the person checks.
Communication Breakdown
Communication breakdown is a sign of incompatibility, misalignment, and overall unsustainable relationships. If you see patterns of communication breakdown in a relationship, there is cause for concern.
Here are some indicators of communication breakdown:
Misunderstandings: These occur when people are not able to effectively convey their thoughts and feelings to each other. They lead to feelings of confusion and frustration while communicating, especially during difficult conversations.
Negative communication patterns: These include defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling or silent treatment. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of these patterns, they are detrimental to sustainable relationships.
Avoidance: This is when people in a relationship simply do not have difficult conversations, possibly because of past negative experiences. Sometimes this can feel like “walking on eggshells” in a relationship.
Blame: When people blame or feel blamed in a relationship, it leads to resentment and sometimes hostility which are not sustainable.
Emotional distance: If you’ve ever felt lonely while in a romantic relationship, you may have experienced emotional distance. This happens after continued communication breakdown in a relationship.
If you don’t like dating, you have probably experienced some of these symptoms before and you’re wishing someone could just “see” you. You’re hoping that someone will love and understand you exactly as you are. They’re out there. You just have to know how to find them. Hopefully I can help.
Different Value Prioritization →Communication Breakdown
If one person values conservation values, while the other person values openness to change, there may be a breakdown in communication as the partners may struggle to understand each other’s perspectives or find common ground.
Let’s examine some of the ways differing value priorities can lead to conflict.
If one person values conformity and tradition, they may prioritize making decisions based on what is expected or accepted within their culture or social group. On the other hand, someone who prioritizes self-direction may want to make decisions based on their own intuition and values, rather than adhering to societal norms. This can lead to conflict if two people have different ideas about what is “right” or “proper” in a given situation.
Folks who prioritize conformity and tradition may feel strongly about maintaining certain lifestyle choices that are in line with their cultural or social expectations. For example, they may want to live in a certain type of house, follow a particular religious tradition, or pursue a particular career path. A person who prioritizes self-direction may have different ideas about what kind of lifestyle choices they want to make, which can lead to disagreements and misunderstandings.
A person who values conformity and tradition may feel that there are certain rules or norms around personal expression that must be followed in order to be accepted or respected. For example, they may feel that certain thoughts and behaviors are unacceptable (think about violating taboos). Someone who values self-direction may feel that personal expression should be a matter of individual choice and may want to express themselves in ways that their partner finds uncomfortable or unacceptable; they may be more willing to “go against the grain.”
People who prioritize conservation values may feel strongly about maintaining certain traditions, beliefs, or practices. They may resist any kind of change that threatens these values, even if the change is minor. A person who prioritizes openness to change may feel that change is necessary in order to grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple. This can lead to disagreements and misunderstandings about what kind of changes are necessary or desirable.
If one person values conservation values, they may be more likely to want to maintain power and control in the relationship. They may feel threatened by a partner who prioritizes openness to change and who wants to maintain their autonomy. This can lead to power struggles and conflicts over who gets to make decisions or how resources are allocated in the relationship.
A person who values conservation values may prefer to maintain a stable lifestyle and avoid taking risks. This could mean that they are hesitant to try new things, such as traveling to unfamiliar places or trying new activities. In contrast, a person who prioritizes openness to change may be more willing to take risks and explore new experiences, even those that violate societal norms. This can lead to conflict if the partners have different ideas about what kinds of risks are acceptable.
All of these differences can lead to communication breakdown if the partners are unable to find common ground or understand each other’s perspectives. For example, one person may feel that the other is being stubborn or close-minded, while the other may feel that their values are not being respected or understood. Over time, this can lead to resentment, frustration, and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship.
In the last post of this series, I will give tips for how to assess your own value priorities and those of a romantic interest. I will also talk about some signs of compatibility and alignment.