This is the last post in a series of three. Click here to start at Part 1. In this post, I am giving some tips for determining value alignment in romantic relationships as well as ways to observe and recognize alignment and compatibility.
How to Start Figuring Out Your Value Priorities
Figuring out your value priorities requires reflection and introspection. It might take a long time and many life experiences before you truly discover what is important to you, but the tasks I list for you below are also a good place to start.
Reflect on your past. Think about the experiences in your life that have brought you the most joy, fulfillment, and sense of purpose. Which values were centered in these experiences? If you feel the most fulfilled when you are grounded, stable, and in a routine, security may be high on your list. If you feel most fulfilled when you are on a new adventure, undertaking some novel and thrilling endeavor, stimulation and self-direction are probably very important to you.
Consider your current priorities. Look at what you prioritize in your life right now. What do you spend the most energy on? This can be a good indicator of what you value most. Are you focused heavily on your career? Achievement might be one of your top values. Are you focused more on leisure and pleasure? Hedonism might be a value that matters to you a lot. Do you feel a strong sense of duty and commitment to areas of your life or societal norms? You might prioritize conservation values. If you don’t tolerate societal norms and often feel misunderstood, you may be more of an openness to change person.
Identify what motivates you in life. Ask yourself what motivates you to take action in your life? Is it a desire to follow your own path? (Self-direction) Are you motivated to build wealth? (Security and achievement) Of course there are other questions to consider. Feel free to comment below if you have questions about how to pinpoint your own values based on your reflections.
Once you think you have figured out which values you prioritize, you’re more equipped to seek out people who prioritize similar values to yours. Your value lists don’t have to be identical, but they should be close to each other on the diagram and remember to pay special attention to Conservation vs. Openness to Change. If your value priorities misalign along this dimension, communication breakdown is likely. Your value priorities can change over time as you mature and experience new things. It’s important to regularly reflect on your value priorities and adjust them accordingly.
How to Start Figuring Out If Value Priorities Align
When you’re exploring a new connection, get into the deep conversations about value priorities early on. Don’t wait. You should look for signs that indicate which values they prioritize.
Listen to what they talk about unprompted. People tend to talk about what is most important to them. If someone frequently talks about their job, it may indicate that they prioritize achievement values. If someone frequently talks about their desire for marriage, this may be a sign that they value security. If they are often talking about things that don’t align with your value priorities, it’s a symptom of misalignment.
Learn about their goals. You should ask a potential romantic connection about their goals in different areas of their lives — career, long-term romantic desires, family, etc. Try to be specific when talking about someone’s goals, not simply, “What are your goals?” It’s never too early to ask questions about goals. Find out what the long-term vision is for their future, their top priorities, and motivations. Ask them how they would measure a “successful” life. If the answers to these questions don’t align with your values or they make you feel uncomfortable, you may not be aligned with that person.
Observe their actions. Pay attention to how they choose to spend their energy and time. Be sure that their choices don’t rub you the wrong way. Do they spend money in a way that aligns with the way you do? Do you see negative communication patterns between the two of you? Don’t overlook these signs early because they can signal misalignments.
Pay attention to their emotions. Emotions can provide clues about what is most important to a person. If someone gets passionate or emotional when talking about a certain topic, it may indicate that they prioritize a value that supports that view. Conversely, if you are passionate and emotional about something and your romantic interest is detached and disinterested, there may be a value misalignment that is cause for concern.
Signs of Compatibility and Alignment
Communication is easy. Easy communication feels good. You feel heard when the two of you talk. You listen actively without feeling defensive. You feel empathy for the other person even when you don’t necessarily agree. You feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other, without fear of judgment or rejection. You clearly understand them. You don’t often experience communication breakdown.
You feel “seen.” To feel “seen” is to feel deeply understood. You feel appreciated for you, exactly as you are. They listen to you actively and show genuine interest in what you have to say. You feel that they empathize with you easily. They validate your feelings and experiences, letting you know that what you are feeling is important to them. They appreciate your unique qualities and contributions to the relationship, acknowledging the things you do that make them happy. Often, they appreciate the qualities about you that you like best about yourself. They support your goals and aspirations, encouraging you to be your favorite self. They affirm their love for you and they demonstrate their feelings for you and commitment to the relationship through words and actions. Maybe they understand something (or somethings) about you that very few other people have ever understood. You feel safe.
You admire them. You feel a deep respect and appreciation for their qualities and abilities. You frequently feel the urge to compliment them. You are genuinely interested in what they have to say. You want to express your gratitude for them, the things they do for you and for your relationship. You want to show affection, both physical and emotional. You trust them and have confidence in their abilities and judgment.
Some of these might be obvious immediately as soon as you start exploring a new connection. But many of these observations take time to notice because they involve looking for patterns. Patterns are a much more important indicator of alignment than a single incident. In other words, it can take quite a while to truly assess alignment and compatibility. That’s what the dating process is about, though, isn’t it? The most important thing to remember when you are dating is to enjoy the other person’s company while you discover each other. If you always do that, then the experience can never be a waste of your time because you enjoyed it and it enriched your life.
Similar Value Prioritization → Alignment & Compatibility
To wrap this series up, here are some ways that shared value priorities can make harmony much more likely in a romantic relationship.
When two people both prioritize the openness to change values (the green wedges), they are likely to both value their independence and freedom. They both often desire autonomy and space to change. These partners may both be willing to take risks and adapt to new situations and relationship challenges. These partners prefer relationships that are not rooted in a sense of duty, obligation, or commitment. They are often willing to make changes together, even major ones, in pursuit of activities and practices that align with their values.
When two people both prioritize conservation values (the yellow wedges), they appreciate the stability of their relationship. They may enjoy consistent routines and activities together. They often prioritize financial stability and saving for the future. They likely place emphasis on tight-knit nuclear family units and a sense of belonging. Partners that prioritize conservation values uphold the norms that are important to them. Both people are committed to the relationship itself and value a steadfast, unwavering love for one another.
Hopefully this series has sparked some thoughts and reflections for you. It’s important to remember that romantic alignment and compatibility are nuanced and can be complex. What I am suggesting is not a relationship bible; it is a guide to help point your awareness in the direction that allows you to better discern sustainability in relationships.