Social Norms: Invisible Handcuffs

Tools of Oppression in Relationships

This article is part of my Tools of Oppression in Relationships series. Click here to start from the beginning.

One of the greatest ironies of social norms is that they are constantly shifting, yet people uphold them as if they are absolute. The behaviors, traditions, and values we are told to follow today are not the same as those of our ancestors, nor will they be the same for future generations. And yet, social norms are often wielded as if they are sacred, eternal, and unquestionable.

People defend them fiercely, judge those who break them, and fear the consequences of straying too far outside of them. But if norms are so malleable, why do they feel so unbreakable? And why do so many people invest in their enforcement as if they are natural laws rather than human inventions?

The answer lies in the fact that social norms do not exist to serve truth, fairness, or even functionality – they exist to maintain order and control. And nothing maintains order quite like convincing people that arbitrary rules are non-negotiable.

The Myth of “The Way It Has Always Been”

Every generation upholds its norms as the correct way of living, but history consistently proves that what is considered normal is always in flux. Marriage for love was once seen as foolish, now it is the expectation. Women wearing pants was once scandalous, now it is unremarkable. Being left-handed was once considered a defect, now it is barely noticeable.

The things people once viewed as unacceptable have become commonplace, and the things we now consider normal will one day seem outdated. Yet, in every era, people believe that their social norms are the most advanced, the most natural, the most moral. This is the illusion of permanence. It convinces people that the world as it is now is the way it was meant to be, even when history tells us otherwise.

Social norms, then, are not upheld because they are true. They are upheld because they provide structure. They offer people a script to follow, which can provide a sense of order and a feeling of belonging. But belonging that is contingent on conformity is not true belonging; it is a performance of acceptability, one that keeps people trapped in roles that may not align with their true selves.

The Hypocrisy of Who Gets to Break the Rules

While social norms are used to control, they are often ignored by the powerful. People in positions of privilege frequently defy norms without consequence. They set their own rules, rewrite their own narratives, and make choices that would be condemned if made by those with less power.

Take, for example, family structure. A wealthy white man can father 14 children with multiple women and still be seen as an eccentric genius. A Black politician or working-class mother with the same number of children would be vilified as irresponsible. The norm that people should have a small, nuclear family is not applied to everyone equally – it is weaponized against those already under scrutiny.

Another irony about social norms is clear: they are supposedly universal, yet they are selectively enforced. This is because their purpose is not to uphold morality, efficiency, or tradition. It is to regulate who gets to have autonomy and who does not.

The Internalization of Changing Norms

The most effective way that social norms maintain control is through internalization.

People do not just follow social norms, they believe in them. Even when they no longer make sense, even when they do not serve them, even when they harm them. This is how standardization, dependency, and internalized oppression all work together to keep people within a system that does not require external enforcements because it polices itself.

Standardization: Social norms define what is “normal” and those who fall outside of them are often ostracized rather than being accepted for their differences.

Dependency: Because straying from norms risks exclusion, many people rely on them to gain security, acceptance, and approval.

Internalized Oppression: Over time, people absorb social norms as personal truths rather than external expectations, making them believe that deviation is inherently wrong, even when the rules are actively harming them.

Consider how many people defend the very norms that oppress them. Women who critique other women for not dressing modestly enough, people of color who police the way others speak to appear more “professional,” parents who shame their children for rejecting traditions that never served them in the first place. This is not because people are cruel, it is because they have been taught that following the rules is the only way to stay safe. They have internalized the belief that stepping outside the lines will lead to punishment, ostracization or failure.

But the reality is that social norms will change no matter what. They always do. And if they are always changing, then why do we fear breaking them? Why do we defend them? Why do we shape our lives around rules that will be rewritten for the next generation? We can start rewriting them for ourselves now.

Social Norms in Personal Relationships: Who Are We Really Performing For?

Many people follow romantic relationship scripts that were created generations ago without questioning whether they actually align with their own values.

• The expectation that marriage is the ultimate goal. Not everyone wants to get married, yet many people pursue it because it is “what you do” rather than because it is what they want.

• The idea that love requires struggle. Many believe that relationships must be difficult, that enduring pain proves commitment, that suffering is an indicator of devotion rather than a sign of dysfunction.

• The policing of gender roles in relationships. Even among those who reject traditional gender roles in other areas of life, the expectation that a “real man” provides and and “good woman” nurtures persists, limiting authentic connection.

Parenting norms are among the most rigid, yet they too are constantly shifting.

• The belief that tough love is necessary. Many parents repeat harmful patterns not because they believe in them, but because they were taught that discipline should be “tough.”

• The measurement of a child’s success by how well they conform. A child is praised for being obedient, but obedience is not critical thinking. A child is rewarded for good grades but academic performance is not happiness.

• The rejection of alternative family structures. Single parents, queer parents, and nontraditional caregiving arrangements are still met with skepticism, despite the fact that nuclear families are a relatively new social norm.

Rejecting the Illusion of Permanence

What happens when we stop seeing social norms as unchangeable? When we realize that they have been rewritten before and will be rewritten again?

We stop shaping our lives around them. We stop enforcing them on others. We stop fearing deviation and start questioning who benefits from these expectations in the first place.

Social norms do not serve truth, they serve power. They do not exist to make society better, they exist to make it controllable. The moment we see them for what they are is the moment we begin to break free.

Because the only thing more absurd than following arbitrary rules that do not serve us is believing that they were ever meant to.

Click here to read the next articles in the series — Laws: Legalizing Oppression